Lost and Waiting

"Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.  That can't be right. I need a change, or something."
      - JRR Tolkein; The Fellowship of the Ring

Life can't be described in many other ways than difficult right now.  Any post that starts off with Bilbo Baggins telling Gandalf about the toll the Ring has had on him cannot be a good one.

Parenting is burying us. We cannot get a break, and we are at our whits end. This year has been harder than any other, and it feels like the only answer we get to prayer is "Wait" and/or "No".  I want to throw up my hands and walk away, and I know that my beautiful wife feels the same way.

This has been a very hard year on our marriage. We have had more arguments and difficult nights in the last 9 months than the total accumulated over the previous 8 years. We are tired, frustrated, and lost in a sea of kids and all of their self-centered demands.

The one relationship that is the most valuable, the most important, and the most precious is the one that takes the brunt of the storm.

I don't have any deep things to say today.  I am at a loss for words, and feel totally helpless.  So, my plan for tonight is to simply write out a prayer, and hope for a lifeline.

- - - - - - -

Father God, I need your help.

I am tired.  Tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of struggling against a wind that only seems to grow stronger each day.  My soul is discouraged, and my marriage battered.  I am a tattered man, Father.

I feel like David when he cried out:

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

What are you doing? What are we doing here? Why does the door continue to close in our face with only silence as an answer to prayers? Are we doing something wrong? What do you have for us that we can do so we can get out of here?

I don't know why you picked Kate and me to be parents to these kids. We are not qualified. We make so many mistakes, and do not have the patience to do this. Yet, here we are.  So, you have to be there behind it right?

I am clinging to the hope that you have not forgotten us. It sounds so foolish to admit, but it feels like you have abandoned us to fend for ourselves out here.

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! 

I pray for my wife. Father, I lift Kate to you. She takes the full force of the stresses, and has no where to turn. May I somehow be the husband that she needs me to be. You call me to love her like Jesus loved the church, and I fail daily in this regard. God, she is the most precious person to me on the face of this earth.  I love her as best as I can, and yet, I know that it is never going to be enough. Fill her with your love, Jesus. Whisper your peace to her heart each and every day.

I lay this marriage at your feet.  I release it to your care.  You alone are able to walk us through the storm, You alone are able to calm the waves and speak peace over the waters of our heart.  I lay it down Father, and beg you to hold us together.

Help us Father. Help us weather this current onslaught, and those unseen waves that are already headed our way. We are battered, exhausted, and vulnerable.  Please, lay a cover over us, and tend to our wounds.

May you be glorified in this home. May you be glorified in this family. May you be glorified in this marriage. May your Kingdom come, and will be done, as earth as it is in Heaven.

Amen

Waiting on Change

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
   -- Philippians 4:6-7

This is one of my prayer verses for 2016.  I didn't want it to be.  Last year's verse (Psalm 62:5-8) was also about waiting and trusting - this year's was supposed to be about acting; about getting up and running into action.

Nope.

Kate and I are ready for some action.  Our plan for Colorado has come to fruition, and we are ready to move on.  When we moved out here we thought 1-2 years, we'd have done what we came here to do, and it would be time to move on to the next adventure.  

September was 2 years - we are still here.

In my heart and in my mind I know that God doesn't work on our time lines.  He has his own plan, and it is absolutely perfect.  I know this, and I know this, and I know this, BUT, I still struggle against it.

God is not still in our lives. We have so much going on that it seems crazy to be pulling for change like I am. We will be adopting two amazing girls sometime in the next couple of months.  They have been with us for 9 months now, and we continue to have daily adventures in merging our family into one.  Grafting is not easy - it is often painful, but it is good.  This is part of God's plan - this is the most obvious part of His plan that we've been a part of; we are literally claiming these broken children as ours - just like God does with us. There is nothing that they have done to earn this spot; we proclaim belonging over them, we love and forgive them because we choose to.  If that is not a lesson I don't know what is.

And yet, even as we feel that we are so obviously in the heart of a plan that is eternally bigger than ours, we yearn for the next change.

Thus the verse on rest and trust.  This verse is amazing tonic for my heart:

- Don't worry about anything - instead pray about everything

Prayer has an amazing way of soothing and centering us.  When we pray we lay our burdens down; when we worry we carry them.  Worry takes up so much time and energy, and is completely self-centered.  "What will happen to me? What will I do?" It is exhausting.  God calls us to let go of the worry, and instead bring our burdens to Him.

- Tell God what you need,  
There are times when I do not want to pray all of my needs.  I want my prayers to sound holy, and have the right words, but that is not what God wants.  He wants us to come to him like his children; children do not filter their words.  They pour out their needs without concern for their image.  They trust their parents completely and know without a doubt that their expressed needs are a priority.  That is how we should approach God.

Does that mean that He will always answer our perceived needs with a "yes"?  Of course not.  But that does not mean that we should not continue to bring our needs to him.

- (A)nd thank him for all he has done.
This is a beautiful exercise.  If we stop at bringing Him our needs we leave the conversation one-sided.  When we take the time to reflect on all he has done for us our hearts begin to change. God's provision is amazing. That the creator of the universe would even deem us worthy of attention is mind-numbing; that he would declare us as heirs to his kingdom is beyond me.

It is in this thankfulness exercise that the final section of this verse comes to light:
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I have a feeling that things are going to shake loose this year.  I am expectantly waiting on it, but I am also allowing God to do it in his time.

Last year we had a huge door close on us.  We had an opportunity for a job that would have brought us back to Washington.  We were in the final two, we were just at our 2 year marker, we had the girls in the home and were ready to start the adoption process.  Everything in our plan was pointing perfectly at this. And the door closed.

It hurt.  It hurt more than I imagined it could hurt.  I felt so despondent.  I felt that God owed this one, and was angry with him when it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  Then, Kate sent me the below prayer from a blog she was reading:

"Lord, I repent of it all: the expectations that kill relationships, and the entitlement that steals all joy. Please, Lord, today, make me small and surprised by staggering grace. Make me remember that humility comes before happiness."

I keep this prayer in my lunch box, and visit it regularly.  I am trying to rest in his plan, and am repenting when I embrace the entitlement that steals joy.  God is working.  He is weaving a family together.  I have no doubt that he will eventually open the promotion door, but until he does, I will enjoy the opportunities he has for us here. There is something beautiful being made, and I have allowed myself to miss too much of it because I've been focused on my desires, and not on his craftsmanship.

Make me small and surprised by staggering grace Father.  Amen

7 Heading into Month 2

We are taking two weeks between each seven month to gather, evaluate, and prepare our hearts for the next month.

I'm ready for month two.  We decided to go with Giving.  Seven items a day for 28 days.  Seven items per person between Kate and I equals 392 items in a month.  Looking around the house I don't see how this will be a problem, but I am very excited about minimizing.  My guess is it will be easy at first, but as we dwindle down we will have to release some of those things that really have a hold on me.

My men's group is doing a 2-day fast next week Monday and lasting into Tuesday evening.  My first reaction was ... let's say a genuine lack of excitement.  Then as I thought about it and allowed the Spirit to speak to me I realized this was an excellent way to launch into a month of giving.  I rely on myself for far too much, and I have never actually done any sort of fast.  I have a long list of excuses, but they all center around a desire to stay away from discomfort.

My group is walking through Forgotten God by Francis Chan. This is an amazing book about the Holy Spirit and our relationship with Him.  In last night's discussion we came across this sentence, "Our desire to live should be for the sake and glory of the God who put us on earth in the first place."  This struck a chord in my heart as I mulled over the upcoming fast, and a month of purposefully giving the stuff we've piled up in our home (I'm trying not to call it my stuff).  As I was chewing over what this meant I began asking myself what it means to live for the sake and glory of God.  There are easy answers like, "Work on my temper," "serve at church," "love my family," that come out, but these are not what He calls us to.

When Jesus taught the disciples to pray he included

Your Kingdom come,

Your will be done

On earth as it is in Heaven

What do God's will and kingdom look like? 

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world.  For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink.  I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.'

Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?'

And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, 'Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn't feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn't give me a drink. I was a stranger and you didn't invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn't give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't visit me.'

Then they will reply, 'Lord, when did ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?'

And he will answer, 'I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.'

And they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life."

  -- Matthew 25:37-46

James defines it like this, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." -- James 1:27

Nowhere does it say anything remotely close to, "Take all of the resources I give you and use them on crap," Or, "Fulfill your own hungers and desires, turn a blind eye to others for your own comforts." Yet, that's how much of my life is spent.  I give from the margins, from my leftovers.  

I want my will to come into line with God's will, so He is glorified, so His Kingdom comes.  In His Kingdom the poor are rich, the hungry are fed, the thirsty are given refreshment, the naked clothed, and prisoners freed, and the sick healed.  He has blessed me with my birth position, my talents, my skills ... none of this is mine.  I am a steward, and He wants us to be empty vessels that He can pour out into His land.  

My prayer this month is that my heart will be radically changed.  As I intentionally release the possessions that possess me I pray that God opens my eyes, heart, and hands to His world.  That I would take the talents He's given me and use them wisely for His kingdom cause.  Not for praise in the eyes of men, not for position or achievement, but because it pleases my Father to do so.

I am very excited about this month. 

7 One Month In

I meant to write more often than I did in month one.  Things got crazy, and since I'm not a professional writer; I made the choice to put the writing to the side.

May was the coldest and wettest May in the history of Colorado.  Sometime during the second week I changed my seven to eight and added a jacket.  The day with snow, winds above 40 mph, and temps hovering in the teens forced my hand.  So, my seven was an eight.  My gym shorts also broke (tie string snapped), so I swapped those out for pajama bottoms.  I considered dropping the PJ's to keep things at a clean seven, but we just got two teen girls in the house (currently fosters, but praying for forever kiddos), and the thought of me sitting on the couch in my boxers while my one pair of jeans washed sounded like fodder for CPS, so we went to eight.

I realized that the spirit of minimization needs to be flexible, and if I were to hold too strongly to a number I would be legalistic in my approach instead of allowing God's grace to change my heart.  He's not after a number, he's after me.

So, month one is done.  We went 28 days juggling 7/8 items of clothing.  At the start I was very self-conscious about the move, and was sure that people would begin commenting on my very small rotation of t-shirts, but nobody said a thing.  As far as I know, the only people that noticed were those people I confessed to, and they were more amused than anything else.

I watched my pile of shirts and pants sit in my drawers and closet, and I didn't miss them at all.  I have never been a big spender on clothing, so this was not a huge stretch for me, but I realized that I've spent way too much on clothing.  I've been dragging clothes across the country in the defense that I "may need them."  I have clothes that fit me 40 pounds ago, and I don't for-see a time coming up where I'll suddenly put on my pregnancy weight again.

At the end of the month Kate read a post online which said that the personal storage industry is the fastest growing in the country.  More real estate is used for extra storage than any other purpose.  Every person in the United States could fit under the collective roofing of our out of home storage.  Ugh.

At the same time, there are people in this country who are cold, hungry, unable to keep the heat on, or even pay for a place to live.  And we spend money to store things that we will probably never touch, but will drag all over the country in case we may need the things that we've most likely forgotten about.



I am ready to give things away, and look forward to that month.  The day after we finished our clothing focus I put on a different tee shirt and felt extravagant.  I wore another shirt yesterday.  Today I'm back into my black tee, and I feel better.  I did wear my hat, but beyond that I looked like I did all month.  I have enough tee shirts to get me through a couple of weeks.  I have a closet full of dress clothes that I wear only 2-3 times per year at most.

I'm not sure what we are going to do in a couple of weeks.  I think this month was probably the easiest, and God did amazing things with my heart.  I'm nervous about what comes next, but am more excited to be changed by grace.

7 Day 6

I have officially worn all of my clothes.  Yesterday was cold and rainy, and my decision to trade the jacket for a belt was called into question, but we made it through.  When I made the choice to go with the belt I understood that there could even be snow, but that's okay.

Yesterday during the cold my initial response was to think about how cold I was, but almost immediately, my thought turned to those people who were waking up cold every day.  For me the act of leaving my coat at home is an act of intentionalality, but there are millions of people who do not get the luxury of choice.  While I was walking through the parking lot to my heated office my heart and prayer went out to those who were cold, hungry, scared and scarred.

When I turn my thoughts away from me and onto those people God calls us to love most deeply the rain, wind and cold don't cut so deep.


I imagined the clothing month would be extremely easy for me, but six days in, I find myself being self-conscious about my repeating wardrobe.  I worry that people will notice and think something about me (I have no idea what they'd think, but that's beside the point).  I didn't realize how much my slightly larger rotating wardrobe had ingrained itself into my self perception.  Now, I generally have one shirt on top of the pile, one on, and another hanging in the closet or in the laundry.  The other 15-20 tee shirts sit gathering dust.  Do I really need a closet full of shirts, dress pants, jeans, and a nearly full armour holding my tee shirts, socks, underwear, winter clothes, dress socks, sweaters, concert clothes (yes, I have them), and whatever else is in there?

I don't spend much on clothing, and most of what I have has holes and is very old, but it is still sickening to think of the money spent on clothes that are rarely worn.

My prayer is for a heart change, a life priority shift from the trappings of comfort and possessions, to a life of extravagant giving.  I want this family to be seen as mildly crazy for our generosity.

Lord, this is yours.  Use these next few weeks and months to rock this home.

7 Day 3

Day 3 officially begins.  Only one change made so far ... the sweater has been dropped in exchange for a short sleeve polo shirt.  So, nothing to cover my arms for the month of May.  This is a gamble since it snowed last year on Mother's Day, but there is also a risk with the sweater - mainly that I would alternate between two tee's while the sweater collects dust in the closet.  It was really hot yesterday, and will remain so all week.  I can deal with cold, but the idea of a black sweater in 80 degree sunshine sounds horrid.

Yesterday was my first real opportunity to ditch this exercise or commit.  The dishwasher soap opened up in the car when Kate was coming home from the store.  In the cleanup process I got a bunch of it on my one pair of jeans, and that soon dried into a white mess on the front of my new dark denim.  We had church coming at us, so I could have sneakily swapped the jeans for a less marred pair.  Nobody but me would have known.  I have to admit it was tempting.  I mean, what would people think of a man who went to church in a gray tee shirt and dirty jeans?!?

I stuck with the jeans - nobody noticed.

It felt so teen-agey to be worried about what people may think of my jeans.  I know that I would not notice another man's pants, but for some reason I picture the other men of the church worried about the state of my jeans.  Sheesh.

So much energy spent on worry about the outside while the inside is left unattended.  The inside is the soil that God is focused on, that is the garden he is tending for us.  We groom, buy, and primp so we can put on a show at church (our show is pretty weak even without the dirty jeans, but it still crossed my mind, so is an issue), then we get there and by-and-large avoid making any contact with any people there.  We've been going to this church for over a year, and hardly know a person.  I forget names before I hear them, and check the box off of my weekly to-do list.  Is that what church and community is supposed to be?


All of the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's Supper), and to prayer.

A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders.  And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity - all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved.

-- Acts : 42-47

I need to get over myself.  Church is for community.  If we are there just to feel good about ourselves we are not there for the right reason.  Lord, change my heart.  Give me courage to engage, and truly invest and trust your people.

7 Begins

Jen Hatmaker wrote a book called Seven.  It is a book about an intentional rebellion from the excess that by-and-large defines the American life-style.  We live in a world where luxuries are considered needs, and to meet these "needs" we ignore the struggles and true need of others.

Seven is an exercise in saying "no" to the excess around us.  It is 7 months with 7 fasts.  Each month we will restrict ourselves to 7 items for one month.  During this time we will use our discomfort as a reminder that what we define as "needs," and allow God to work on our hearts to align our priorities with those that Jesus taught his followers to meet.

The seven months are clothing, food, spending, media, possessions, waste, and stress.

Month 1 is clothing:

Seven items of clothing for an entire month.  There are many families who get by with less, but looking at my closet and drawers, I am a little stressed about the idea of leaving most of my clothing tucked away.  I am also a little disgusted with how much I have that I never wear, but we will probably deal with that when we get to the possessions month.  The second stressful part is that we live in Colorado where the weather can swing from freezing to hot in 20 seconds, and I've decided that I need to wear a belt more than I need a jacket, so it could be chilly (but at least my pants will stay up).

Here are the items I'm wearing this month:
1 Pair Jeans
Shoes (2 pair - jogging and work)
Belt
Running Shorts (also work as pajamas)
Black sweater
Black "Champion" Tee Shirt
Gray Frigidaire Tee Shirt

That's it.  Socks and underwear don't count - we get to wear socks and underwear.  The only jewelry I'm wearing is my wedding band.  No hats, watches, headphones, sunglasses ... nothing else.

When I feel uncomfortable or self-conscious I will try to reflect on those people who go through every day with only one set of clothes.  I will remember that Jesus did not come here to bring me comfort, but to give life.

I have no idea what will happen over the next 7 months, but I am excited to see what kind of heart change the Spirit brings into our lives.  I am tired of living in a bubble of greed.  The culture of consumption and excess is sickening, and is so very far from the vision that was the church of Acts.

Lord, this is your time.  Use it for your purposes.  Let us be changed and reflect the life that you desire, and not the life that our culture calls us to live.