- Miguel de Unamuno c/o Rumors of God
(Job speaking to God)
"You asked me, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?'
It is I - and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me."
- Job 42:3
This has been another week of the same theme coming at me from multiple angles. I'm learning to pay attention.
Several years ago I went through a spiritual struggle. I walked away from the church. I walked away from any semblance of a relationship with God. I looked in my heart and concluded that I did not believe in God. I believed that god was created by man as a way to explain the unexplainable in the world.
This did not come out of the blue, but was a slow drip that drained my spirit. Before this happened I tried to be spiritual. I tried to pray, but nothing happened. I tried to be involved in the right groups, but felt like a hypocrite. When I prayed I would talk and talk at God, and as far as I could tell, nothing was happening. I was discouraged and annoyed. I doubted God's power, his goodness, his willingness or ability to work in my little world. Then, very slowly, I began to realize that I may have never really believed in God, but instead had believed in the idea of God. I realized that I did not want to believe in an impotent, weakling god - yet this is exactly the god that I had constructed in my heart. I did not worship this god, I didn't even respect it. So I walked away.
Several years later, I felt a tug at my heart. A whisper in my soul beckoning me. For the first time in years I prayed - I asked God to make Himself known to me. I asked God to tear down the false idol in my god-place and begin to reveal Himself to me. This prayer set my spirit on a journey that has rocked me to my core - it has changed everything. The God of the Universe, the great I AM has replaced the flaccid unrespectable deity that once loomed so large in my life.
Paul advised the Philippians to:
... continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
- Philippians 2:12-13
Most of us treat God casually - the casual prayer thrown up right before a meal or as we drift off to sleep, well intended promises to read our Bible tomorrow (a promise we have no intention of keeping), thoughts about serving those in need ... someday. God is not feared, God is not honored - we acknowledge Him with our lips, but most often our belief goes no deeper. How can we claim that we truly believe in a God who literally spoke the Universe into motion, when we doubt that this same God has the ability to act in our lives?
Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you.
God - works in you.
The God that spoke and there was light. The God that wrote the Law that you broke. The God who is the only authority. The one who is I AM.
God - works in you.
If you do not fear God, I encourage you to look at what you think you know of God. Is your god dangerous? Is your god powerful beyond understanding? If you approach your god without uncertainty, without anguish, without reverence and an understanding that you do not deserve to be heard by Him, if you approach your god without love for Him because he is, then you probably need to begin wrestling with your faith.
When I first started to question my belief in God I believed I was doomed. I believed that there was no room for doubt in a Christian's life - doubt was what those on the path to hell do. However, as I went through this process I began to see it in a different way: I began to understand that doubt is healthy and necessary. I realized that doubt is better than certainty because when we doubt we are open to seeing something new, whereas when we are certain we do not look for answers because we already know them. The road of doubt was actually the road to life.
The working out of our salivations is not an easy process, nor is it comfortable. We have to learn to die unto ourselves. We have to come to the point where we approach the throne of grace with fear and trembling because we understand that we are not worthy. We have to come to a place where we accept that we are accepted not because of anything we have done, but because God made a way for us to be in relation with Him. We have to realize that we will never understand Him - He is beyond us on every level, yet he loves us more ferociously than we can understand. For some reason, this God of power and beauty has claimed us as His children.
My prayer is that God uses this to shake some faiths loose from the grip of comfort - that He begins to reveal himself to you in ways that you did not think possible. My prayer is that your certainty is dislodged and that you voice your doubts to God (you cannot hurt his feelings - plus, he already knows what you are thinking). My prayer is that we start being honest with ourselves regarding our faith, and thereby create room for God to reveal Himself to us. My prayer is that every one of us sees God for who He is instead of what we make him to be.
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