Lost and Waiting

"Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.  That can't be right. I need a change, or something."
      - JRR Tolkein; The Fellowship of the Ring

Life can't be described in many other ways than difficult right now.  Any post that starts off with Bilbo Baggins telling Gandalf about the toll the Ring has had on him cannot be a good one.

Parenting is burying us. We cannot get a break, and we are at our whits end. This year has been harder than any other, and it feels like the only answer we get to prayer is "Wait" and/or "No".  I want to throw up my hands and walk away, and I know that my beautiful wife feels the same way.

This has been a very hard year on our marriage. We have had more arguments and difficult nights in the last 9 months than the total accumulated over the previous 8 years. We are tired, frustrated, and lost in a sea of kids and all of their self-centered demands.

The one relationship that is the most valuable, the most important, and the most precious is the one that takes the brunt of the storm.

I don't have any deep things to say today.  I am at a loss for words, and feel totally helpless.  So, my plan for tonight is to simply write out a prayer, and hope for a lifeline.

- - - - - - -

Father God, I need your help.

I am tired.  Tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of struggling against a wind that only seems to grow stronger each day.  My soul is discouraged, and my marriage battered.  I am a tattered man, Father.

I feel like David when he cried out:

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

What are you doing? What are we doing here? Why does the door continue to close in our face with only silence as an answer to prayers? Are we doing something wrong? What do you have for us that we can do so we can get out of here?

I don't know why you picked Kate and me to be parents to these kids. We are not qualified. We make so many mistakes, and do not have the patience to do this. Yet, here we are.  So, you have to be there behind it right?

I am clinging to the hope that you have not forgotten us. It sounds so foolish to admit, but it feels like you have abandoned us to fend for ourselves out here.

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! 

I pray for my wife. Father, I lift Kate to you. She takes the full force of the stresses, and has no where to turn. May I somehow be the husband that she needs me to be. You call me to love her like Jesus loved the church, and I fail daily in this regard. God, she is the most precious person to me on the face of this earth.  I love her as best as I can, and yet, I know that it is never going to be enough. Fill her with your love, Jesus. Whisper your peace to her heart each and every day.

I lay this marriage at your feet.  I release it to your care.  You alone are able to walk us through the storm, You alone are able to calm the waves and speak peace over the waters of our heart.  I lay it down Father, and beg you to hold us together.

Help us Father. Help us weather this current onslaught, and those unseen waves that are already headed our way. We are battered, exhausted, and vulnerable.  Please, lay a cover over us, and tend to our wounds.

May you be glorified in this home. May you be glorified in this family. May you be glorified in this marriage. May your Kingdom come, and will be done, as earth as it is in Heaven.

Amen

Waiting on Change

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
   -- Philippians 4:6-7

This is one of my prayer verses for 2016.  I didn't want it to be.  Last year's verse (Psalm 62:5-8) was also about waiting and trusting - this year's was supposed to be about acting; about getting up and running into action.

Nope.

Kate and I are ready for some action.  Our plan for Colorado has come to fruition, and we are ready to move on.  When we moved out here we thought 1-2 years, we'd have done what we came here to do, and it would be time to move on to the next adventure.  

September was 2 years - we are still here.

In my heart and in my mind I know that God doesn't work on our time lines.  He has his own plan, and it is absolutely perfect.  I know this, and I know this, and I know this, BUT, I still struggle against it.

God is not still in our lives. We have so much going on that it seems crazy to be pulling for change like I am. We will be adopting two amazing girls sometime in the next couple of months.  They have been with us for 9 months now, and we continue to have daily adventures in merging our family into one.  Grafting is not easy - it is often painful, but it is good.  This is part of God's plan - this is the most obvious part of His plan that we've been a part of; we are literally claiming these broken children as ours - just like God does with us. There is nothing that they have done to earn this spot; we proclaim belonging over them, we love and forgive them because we choose to.  If that is not a lesson I don't know what is.

And yet, even as we feel that we are so obviously in the heart of a plan that is eternally bigger than ours, we yearn for the next change.

Thus the verse on rest and trust.  This verse is amazing tonic for my heart:

- Don't worry about anything - instead pray about everything

Prayer has an amazing way of soothing and centering us.  When we pray we lay our burdens down; when we worry we carry them.  Worry takes up so much time and energy, and is completely self-centered.  "What will happen to me? What will I do?" It is exhausting.  God calls us to let go of the worry, and instead bring our burdens to Him.

- Tell God what you need,  
There are times when I do not want to pray all of my needs.  I want my prayers to sound holy, and have the right words, but that is not what God wants.  He wants us to come to him like his children; children do not filter their words.  They pour out their needs without concern for their image.  They trust their parents completely and know without a doubt that their expressed needs are a priority.  That is how we should approach God.

Does that mean that He will always answer our perceived needs with a "yes"?  Of course not.  But that does not mean that we should not continue to bring our needs to him.

- (A)nd thank him for all he has done.
This is a beautiful exercise.  If we stop at bringing Him our needs we leave the conversation one-sided.  When we take the time to reflect on all he has done for us our hearts begin to change. God's provision is amazing. That the creator of the universe would even deem us worthy of attention is mind-numbing; that he would declare us as heirs to his kingdom is beyond me.

It is in this thankfulness exercise that the final section of this verse comes to light:
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I have a feeling that things are going to shake loose this year.  I am expectantly waiting on it, but I am also allowing God to do it in his time.

Last year we had a huge door close on us.  We had an opportunity for a job that would have brought us back to Washington.  We were in the final two, we were just at our 2 year marker, we had the girls in the home and were ready to start the adoption process.  Everything in our plan was pointing perfectly at this. And the door closed.

It hurt.  It hurt more than I imagined it could hurt.  I felt so despondent.  I felt that God owed this one, and was angry with him when it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  Then, Kate sent me the below prayer from a blog she was reading:

"Lord, I repent of it all: the expectations that kill relationships, and the entitlement that steals all joy. Please, Lord, today, make me small and surprised by staggering grace. Make me remember that humility comes before happiness."

I keep this prayer in my lunch box, and visit it regularly.  I am trying to rest in his plan, and am repenting when I embrace the entitlement that steals joy.  God is working.  He is weaving a family together.  I have no doubt that he will eventually open the promotion door, but until he does, I will enjoy the opportunities he has for us here. There is something beautiful being made, and I have allowed myself to miss too much of it because I've been focused on my desires, and not on his craftsmanship.

Make me small and surprised by staggering grace Father.  Amen

7 Heading into Month 2

We are taking two weeks between each seven month to gather, evaluate, and prepare our hearts for the next month.

I'm ready for month two.  We decided to go with Giving.  Seven items a day for 28 days.  Seven items per person between Kate and I equals 392 items in a month.  Looking around the house I don't see how this will be a problem, but I am very excited about minimizing.  My guess is it will be easy at first, but as we dwindle down we will have to release some of those things that really have a hold on me.

My men's group is doing a 2-day fast next week Monday and lasting into Tuesday evening.  My first reaction was ... let's say a genuine lack of excitement.  Then as I thought about it and allowed the Spirit to speak to me I realized this was an excellent way to launch into a month of giving.  I rely on myself for far too much, and I have never actually done any sort of fast.  I have a long list of excuses, but they all center around a desire to stay away from discomfort.

My group is walking through Forgotten God by Francis Chan. This is an amazing book about the Holy Spirit and our relationship with Him.  In last night's discussion we came across this sentence, "Our desire to live should be for the sake and glory of the God who put us on earth in the first place."  This struck a chord in my heart as I mulled over the upcoming fast, and a month of purposefully giving the stuff we've piled up in our home (I'm trying not to call it my stuff).  As I was chewing over what this meant I began asking myself what it means to live for the sake and glory of God.  There are easy answers like, "Work on my temper," "serve at church," "love my family," that come out, but these are not what He calls us to.

When Jesus taught the disciples to pray he included

Your Kingdom come,

Your will be done

On earth as it is in Heaven

What do God's will and kingdom look like? 

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world.  For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink.  I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.'

Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?'

And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, 'Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn't feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn't give me a drink. I was a stranger and you didn't invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn't give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't visit me.'

Then they will reply, 'Lord, when did ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?'

And he will answer, 'I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.'

And they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life."

  -- Matthew 25:37-46

James defines it like this, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." -- James 1:27

Nowhere does it say anything remotely close to, "Take all of the resources I give you and use them on crap," Or, "Fulfill your own hungers and desires, turn a blind eye to others for your own comforts." Yet, that's how much of my life is spent.  I give from the margins, from my leftovers.  

I want my will to come into line with God's will, so He is glorified, so His Kingdom comes.  In His Kingdom the poor are rich, the hungry are fed, the thirsty are given refreshment, the naked clothed, and prisoners freed, and the sick healed.  He has blessed me with my birth position, my talents, my skills ... none of this is mine.  I am a steward, and He wants us to be empty vessels that He can pour out into His land.  

My prayer this month is that my heart will be radically changed.  As I intentionally release the possessions that possess me I pray that God opens my eyes, heart, and hands to His world.  That I would take the talents He's given me and use them wisely for His kingdom cause.  Not for praise in the eyes of men, not for position or achievement, but because it pleases my Father to do so.

I am very excited about this month. 

7 One Month In

I meant to write more often than I did in month one.  Things got crazy, and since I'm not a professional writer; I made the choice to put the writing to the side.

May was the coldest and wettest May in the history of Colorado.  Sometime during the second week I changed my seven to eight and added a jacket.  The day with snow, winds above 40 mph, and temps hovering in the teens forced my hand.  So, my seven was an eight.  My gym shorts also broke (tie string snapped), so I swapped those out for pajama bottoms.  I considered dropping the PJ's to keep things at a clean seven, but we just got two teen girls in the house (currently fosters, but praying for forever kiddos), and the thought of me sitting on the couch in my boxers while my one pair of jeans washed sounded like fodder for CPS, so we went to eight.

I realized that the spirit of minimization needs to be flexible, and if I were to hold too strongly to a number I would be legalistic in my approach instead of allowing God's grace to change my heart.  He's not after a number, he's after me.

So, month one is done.  We went 28 days juggling 7/8 items of clothing.  At the start I was very self-conscious about the move, and was sure that people would begin commenting on my very small rotation of t-shirts, but nobody said a thing.  As far as I know, the only people that noticed were those people I confessed to, and they were more amused than anything else.

I watched my pile of shirts and pants sit in my drawers and closet, and I didn't miss them at all.  I have never been a big spender on clothing, so this was not a huge stretch for me, but I realized that I've spent way too much on clothing.  I've been dragging clothes across the country in the defense that I "may need them."  I have clothes that fit me 40 pounds ago, and I don't for-see a time coming up where I'll suddenly put on my pregnancy weight again.

At the end of the month Kate read a post online which said that the personal storage industry is the fastest growing in the country.  More real estate is used for extra storage than any other purpose.  Every person in the United States could fit under the collective roofing of our out of home storage.  Ugh.

At the same time, there are people in this country who are cold, hungry, unable to keep the heat on, or even pay for a place to live.  And we spend money to store things that we will probably never touch, but will drag all over the country in case we may need the things that we've most likely forgotten about.



I am ready to give things away, and look forward to that month.  The day after we finished our clothing focus I put on a different tee shirt and felt extravagant.  I wore another shirt yesterday.  Today I'm back into my black tee, and I feel better.  I did wear my hat, but beyond that I looked like I did all month.  I have enough tee shirts to get me through a couple of weeks.  I have a closet full of dress clothes that I wear only 2-3 times per year at most.

I'm not sure what we are going to do in a couple of weeks.  I think this month was probably the easiest, and God did amazing things with my heart.  I'm nervous about what comes next, but am more excited to be changed by grace.

7 Day 6

I have officially worn all of my clothes.  Yesterday was cold and rainy, and my decision to trade the jacket for a belt was called into question, but we made it through.  When I made the choice to go with the belt I understood that there could even be snow, but that's okay.

Yesterday during the cold my initial response was to think about how cold I was, but almost immediately, my thought turned to those people who were waking up cold every day.  For me the act of leaving my coat at home is an act of intentionalality, but there are millions of people who do not get the luxury of choice.  While I was walking through the parking lot to my heated office my heart and prayer went out to those who were cold, hungry, scared and scarred.

When I turn my thoughts away from me and onto those people God calls us to love most deeply the rain, wind and cold don't cut so deep.


I imagined the clothing month would be extremely easy for me, but six days in, I find myself being self-conscious about my repeating wardrobe.  I worry that people will notice and think something about me (I have no idea what they'd think, but that's beside the point).  I didn't realize how much my slightly larger rotating wardrobe had ingrained itself into my self perception.  Now, I generally have one shirt on top of the pile, one on, and another hanging in the closet or in the laundry.  The other 15-20 tee shirts sit gathering dust.  Do I really need a closet full of shirts, dress pants, jeans, and a nearly full armour holding my tee shirts, socks, underwear, winter clothes, dress socks, sweaters, concert clothes (yes, I have them), and whatever else is in there?

I don't spend much on clothing, and most of what I have has holes and is very old, but it is still sickening to think of the money spent on clothes that are rarely worn.

My prayer is for a heart change, a life priority shift from the trappings of comfort and possessions, to a life of extravagant giving.  I want this family to be seen as mildly crazy for our generosity.

Lord, this is yours.  Use these next few weeks and months to rock this home.

7 Day 3

Day 3 officially begins.  Only one change made so far ... the sweater has been dropped in exchange for a short sleeve polo shirt.  So, nothing to cover my arms for the month of May.  This is a gamble since it snowed last year on Mother's Day, but there is also a risk with the sweater - mainly that I would alternate between two tee's while the sweater collects dust in the closet.  It was really hot yesterday, and will remain so all week.  I can deal with cold, but the idea of a black sweater in 80 degree sunshine sounds horrid.

Yesterday was my first real opportunity to ditch this exercise or commit.  The dishwasher soap opened up in the car when Kate was coming home from the store.  In the cleanup process I got a bunch of it on my one pair of jeans, and that soon dried into a white mess on the front of my new dark denim.  We had church coming at us, so I could have sneakily swapped the jeans for a less marred pair.  Nobody but me would have known.  I have to admit it was tempting.  I mean, what would people think of a man who went to church in a gray tee shirt and dirty jeans?!?

I stuck with the jeans - nobody noticed.

It felt so teen-agey to be worried about what people may think of my jeans.  I know that I would not notice another man's pants, but for some reason I picture the other men of the church worried about the state of my jeans.  Sheesh.

So much energy spent on worry about the outside while the inside is left unattended.  The inside is the soil that God is focused on, that is the garden he is tending for us.  We groom, buy, and primp so we can put on a show at church (our show is pretty weak even without the dirty jeans, but it still crossed my mind, so is an issue), then we get there and by-and-large avoid making any contact with any people there.  We've been going to this church for over a year, and hardly know a person.  I forget names before I hear them, and check the box off of my weekly to-do list.  Is that what church and community is supposed to be?


All of the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's Supper), and to prayer.

A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders.  And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity - all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved.

-- Acts : 42-47

I need to get over myself.  Church is for community.  If we are there just to feel good about ourselves we are not there for the right reason.  Lord, change my heart.  Give me courage to engage, and truly invest and trust your people.

7 Begins

Jen Hatmaker wrote a book called Seven.  It is a book about an intentional rebellion from the excess that by-and-large defines the American life-style.  We live in a world where luxuries are considered needs, and to meet these "needs" we ignore the struggles and true need of others.

Seven is an exercise in saying "no" to the excess around us.  It is 7 months with 7 fasts.  Each month we will restrict ourselves to 7 items for one month.  During this time we will use our discomfort as a reminder that what we define as "needs," and allow God to work on our hearts to align our priorities with those that Jesus taught his followers to meet.

The seven months are clothing, food, spending, media, possessions, waste, and stress.

Month 1 is clothing:

Seven items of clothing for an entire month.  There are many families who get by with less, but looking at my closet and drawers, I am a little stressed about the idea of leaving most of my clothing tucked away.  I am also a little disgusted with how much I have that I never wear, but we will probably deal with that when we get to the possessions month.  The second stressful part is that we live in Colorado where the weather can swing from freezing to hot in 20 seconds, and I've decided that I need to wear a belt more than I need a jacket, so it could be chilly (but at least my pants will stay up).

Here are the items I'm wearing this month:
1 Pair Jeans
Shoes (2 pair - jogging and work)
Belt
Running Shorts (also work as pajamas)
Black sweater
Black "Champion" Tee Shirt
Gray Frigidaire Tee Shirt

That's it.  Socks and underwear don't count - we get to wear socks and underwear.  The only jewelry I'm wearing is my wedding band.  No hats, watches, headphones, sunglasses ... nothing else.

When I feel uncomfortable or self-conscious I will try to reflect on those people who go through every day with only one set of clothes.  I will remember that Jesus did not come here to bring me comfort, but to give life.

I have no idea what will happen over the next 7 months, but I am excited to see what kind of heart change the Spirit brings into our lives.  I am tired of living in a bubble of greed.  The culture of consumption and excess is sickening, and is so very far from the vision that was the church of Acts.

Lord, this is your time.  Use it for your purposes.  Let us be changed and reflect the life that you desire, and not the life that our culture calls us to live.

The Slow Pitch

I've been doing a daily trip through the Psalms.  The Psalms are the Bible's book of prayer, and prayer is something that is certainly lacking in my life.  Thus, the study into the Psalms.

The last three days have been especially busy, and so I was not able to get to my study those mornings.  Today I decided that I needed to catch up and do all three days worth of study in one swoop.  My method is I am reading three Psalms a day in 50 Pslam increments (1, 51, 101) - then I am journaling on the verse or verses that really catch my eye that day.  I am using the SOAP method, so each journal entry has a Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer - I've found this the most impactful method for my studies, and have been using it for years.

I figured doing three (9 Psalms) at once would be a bit of a pain, but I'd knock it out and get on with the day.  I did day one completely through before I moved onto day two, so my journal entries went after I read the day's three verses - then after my entry was in, I moved onto the next set of verses.

Here is how the morning went:

Scripture #1:

Save me, O God,

for the flood waters are up to my neck.

Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;

I can't find a foothold.

I am in deep water,

and the floods overwhelm me.

-- Psalm 69:1-2

This is a cry from David, and is much more eloquent than anything I can do, but I recognize the feeling.

Life has a way of surrounding us, pulling us in, and making us feel very stuck.  If we somehow manage to get one foot out, we have to put it down again, and we get sucked right back down into the slop.

The thing about this verse that caught me is David's intimacy with God.  I know that God will hear my troubles, but I often feel like my bringing my troubles to Him is selfish and not where my prayers should be centered.  Instead of bringing my frustrations to Him, I stuff then down and try to handle things on my own.  I send up prayers that sound holier, and come from a sincere place of wanting to be better, but come at the expense of my actual heart cry.  During today's writing I realized that this really comes from a lack of faith: lack of faith in the depth of His love, and a lack of faith in my full adoption as a son.

Scripture #2:

I took my troubles to the Lord;

I cried out to him and he answered my prayer.

How I suffer in far-off Meshech.

It pains me to live in distant Kedar

- Psalm 120:1 and 5

Psalm 120 is a song for the pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem.  I actually laughed when I read this because I instantly read "Kedar" as "Kedarado" ... 

"Suffering" feels like too strong a word, but it does pain me to be here.  Nearly everything has been more challenging since we pulled into town: cars, money, weather, work, church, friends, family ... that about covers it.  But the first section of my verse study promises something wonderful:

He will hear me and He will answer my prayer.

Here is my prayer written in my journal entry:

Lord, I miss Washington.  I miss the Pacific. I miss family.  This land is hard.  It is lonely and challenging.  Work is hard - it feels futile.  Yet, I know you are with me.  You are doing things in our life that will bless us and, more importantly, others.  I trust you O God.  My hope is in you and not my circumstances.

Scripture #3:

I look up to the mountains - 

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord

who made heaven and earth!

The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as you protective shade.

- Psalm 121: 1-2 and 5

This verse tied everything together.  Three verses in the same day about the presence and protection of the Lord.  The first spoke to the feeling of being stuck, and let me see that my lack of faith lies behind me not giving those over.  The second spoke to the pain and difficulty of distance.  Because of the first verse I was able to simply state what has been on my heart and mind for 15 months, and because I was able to state it; I was able to lay it down.  The third verse spoke to the shelter and protection of the Lord.

The mire, the waves, and the distance are all hard to deal with.  My work is always going to be difficult.  But I have comfort in the presence of God.  He is always here.  He is always working on me.  He is my protective shade.  He shaped the heavens and the earth, and he has adopted me as his child.  If God is for me who can stand against me that I should fear?

And that was my study this morning.  From acknowledging my lack of faith, to putting voice to my fears, frustrations, and worries, to comfort in the promises of my all-powerful father.

Good stuff.  God is good all of the time - all of the time God is good.

The World on Fire

"I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning! I have a terrible baptism of suffering ahead of me, and I am under a heavy burden until it is accomplished.  Do you think I have come to bring peace on earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other!"
  -- Luke 12:49-51

What do we think of when we picture Jesus?  Do we picture the white flowing robes and the Germanic features?  Do we picture the smiling children at his feet?  Do we picture a man walking tranquilly across a stormy sea?

Or, do we picture a man ready to set the world on fire?

I can say that I rarely have that last image come to mind, but that is why he came.  He came to change the world forever, and while we reap the benefits of this, he carried the burden.  During his ministry he performed miracles, and he taught about caring for the downtrodden, but his ultimate purpose was to destroy the old fabric of the law, and give birth to healing.

Jesus was love, but he was not soft and weak.  He was God manifest as human, come with the purpose of redeeming His people from the death they deserved.  The burden of death that was ours was on His head - by His choice.  There was no reason for God to do this, there was nothing that forced His hand to send His son down here, He owed us nothing.  Yet, He came, He loved, He carried the weight, He died .... for us.

The weight of this can be crushing if we allow it to be, and if we focus on how very unworthy we are of such and act.  I know that I've been in this spot a few times, and I think it is a good place to be for a brief period since it allows us to really reflect on how very unworthy we are of grace, but it is not a place to linger.  If we stay too long in this thought arena; the focus moves from Jesus and grace to self worth which is not the point.  I believe it is good to go before God and confess everything, lay it all out at His feet, but after that is done we need to leave it there and move forward confident in our forgiveness.

What can I offer the Lord

for all he has done for me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation

and praise the Lord's name for saving me.

-- Psalms 116:12-13

So, how do we respond to a gift of which we are so very unworthy?  With praise!  By living a life unlike the one we were living before we received His gift.  By understanding that He bought us with His blood, His suffering, His life.  We get to choose to accept the gift, but we do not get to set the terms.  We don't get to negotiate with God, we are either His or we are our own - there is no middle ground.  We cannot repay Him, we cannot get on even ground with God - He is beyond us, yet by His grace, power, and glory; He chose to make a way for relationship.

God needs nothing from me.  He already owns it all.  I cannot repay Him, my good deeds will never begin to cover the debt that was mine.  It is pointless to even try to earn the grace offered me.  All I can offer Him is my everything.

Once I came to terms with the fact that all I can offer is my praise I stepped from guilt into freedom.  I could have gotten stuck looking at my shame - it is an easy place to linger since it still affords us the ownership of our lives, but there is no life there.  Life did not rain down on my head until I decided to accept the gift of life with thanksgiving in praise Him with all that I am.  

Unfailing love and truth have met together.

Righteousness and peace have kissed!

Truth springs up from the earth,

and righteousness smiles down from heaven.

Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings.

Our land will yield its bountiful harvest.

Righteousness goes as a herald before him,

preparing the way for his steps.

-- Psalms 85:10-13

Unfailing love and truth have met.  Righteousness and peace have kissed!  Jesus came and set the world on fire.  He destroyed the world as we had created it to be, and He birthed a new hope for all mankind.

"'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver, 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'" -- The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; C.S. Lewis

Measuring Success in Life

Then someone called from the crowd, "Teacher, please tell my brother to divide our father's estate with me."

Jesus replied, "Friend, who has made me a judge over you to decide such things as that?" Then he said, "Beware! Guard against every kind of greed.  Life is not measured by how much you own."

Then he told them a story, "A rich man had a fertile farm that produced fine crops.  He said to himself, 'What should I do? I don't have room for all my crops.' Then he said, 'I know! I'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones. Then I'll have room enough to store all of my wheat and other goods. And I'll sit back and say to myself, 'My friend, you have enough stored away for years to come.  Now take it easy! Eat, drink and be merry!"

"But God said to him, 'You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?'

"Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God."

-- Luke 12:13-21

I recently listened to a sermon on this verse, and then today I came across it during my morning study.  I find that when I start to see a common message pop up in my life its because the Spirit is working on me.

I am not a man in pursuit of monetary wealth.  I am a realist, and I understand that I have not ventured into a profession that is going to allow me the luxuries that come with massive levels of money.  But, worldly riches are not always money - we pursue comfort, status, possessions .... there are idols all around us calling to us with their siren songs.  Jesus told the man to beware against every kind of greed, and that is much more difficult than watching out for the very minimal chance that I will get a Scrooge McDuck style swimming pool in my lifetime.

With that in mind, I asked myself the following two questions (to which I already knew the answer):

1. How much of my time and effort do I place into my own advancement?

2. Do I pray for God to use me for His plan, or do I pray for God to do my will for my own purpose?

I realize that my focus is very often on my life, my goals, my hopes.  I do my best to set up a target, and then try to convince God that its in both of our best interest for that target to be met as quickly as possible.  Enlisting God to be our life assistant is easy - often futile, but easy.

I pray for God to help me reach the feet of my idols, and I get frustrated when I find that He does not lead me there.  After all, earlier in Luke it says, Keep on asking and you will receive. So, when I ask and ask for something why doesn't it happen?  My guess is because what I want is not something that I need at this point.  What I need is what He is providing today, what I need is more of His Spirit, what I need is less of my will and more of His.

Many people say, "Who will show us better times?"

Let your face smile on us, Lord.

You have given me greater joy

than those who have abundant harvests of

grain and new wine.

In peace I will lie down and sleep

for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

-- Psalm 4:6-8

I need to continually examine my motivations.  Am I submitting to God, or am I trying to submit him to me?  Am I saying "thy will be done?" or am I pushing him to say that to me?  Only one of these will ever lead to life.  The road to that life will most likely be full of discomfort, challenge, and even pain, but there is life at the end.

"The seed that fell among the thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasure, and they do not mature.  But the seed on the good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." -- Luke 8:14-15

The thorns of life's worries are easily the biggest threat in my life.  Concerns over work, money, and my circumstances make so much noise that I often focus completely on myself and lose focus on what matters.  I focus on the thorns, and then pray for God to use them for my good.  It seems so ridiculous when I type it out, but when I am in the moment of the crucible, it seems so easy.

God is not mine to use.  He bought me - not the other way around.  He paid my price, He made a way for me to be in communion with Him.  It is not because of anything that I have done or will ever do that I am able to run to Him when I am hurting.

My prayer today is that I will continually move from self-focused prayer to selfless prayer.  That my motivations would be for His will to be done, His life to manifest in mine, that my heart would submit to His will, and that my days would be lived in thankful service to the One who bought me at the greatest price.

Walking Uphill

"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
      -- Luke 11:9-10

Most of my posts have been epiphanies, but today starts at 100% struggle.  I've been on the fence about posting this one, but I realized that the purpose of my blog is to speak to my entire walk, and part of any walk is the struggle - its not all downhill.

I don't know how to understand this verse.  How does this verse mesh with the reality that we do not always get what we ask for?  We can pray and pray for something and sometimes the answer is "No."  Sometimes the answer is silence on the other side of the door. 

How do that reality and this verse meet in a place that does not contradict? 

I don't know the answer to that, and I'm hoping that my typing will bring me to a place where my heart is at least at rest in my uneasiness.  It is easier for me to organize my thoughts this way, so my prayer is God uses this to bring my thoughts into order and soothe my frayed nerves.

So, here we go ....

God is not a magical wish granting genie; He is our Father.  When my kids ask me for something that is unhealthy or dangerous I'm not going to give it to them no matter how often they ask.  They may really want to eat marshmallows for dinner, but I know that they need nutrients, so that's what I'm going to give them.  They may not like it, but it is what their bodies need to grow.

So, what exactly did Jesus mean when he said if we ask we will receive what we ask for?  In that question lays my conundrum: I don't feel like what I'm asking Him for is the equivalent of a marshmallow dinner, but what I'm asking for seems to get further and further away.  Instead of hoping for my request to be granted; I feel my heart lowering the expectations and resigning.  Is that what is supposed to happen?  I'm still hopeful and I'm still asking, but I'm preparing my heart for the door to remain closed.  Instead of praying for my hope to be fulfilled, I'm praying more and more that my heart be okay with the possibility that the promotion will not come and that we will be Coloradans for a long time.

I know that God will provide - I do not doubt that.  But I am not currently finding hope in the promise at the top of the post.

 

Lord, hear my prayer!

Listen to my plea!

Don't turn away from me

in my time of distress.

Bend down to listen,

and answer me quickly when I call to you.

For my days disappear like smoke,

and my bones burn like red-hot coals.

My heart is sick, withered like grass,

and I have lost my appetite.

Because of my groaning,

I am reduced to skin and bones.

I am like an owl in the desert,

like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.

I lie awake,

lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.

My enemies taunt me day after day.

They mock and curse me.

-- Psalm 102: 1-8

 

This is more in line with how I feel right now.  The walk is uphill.  The waves are crashing all around me, and the boat seems so very far away.

 

I feel like I should not have these struggles and doubts.  I feel like I need to put my chin up, push this all down, adjust my expectations / hopes and be happy.  I connect struggles with weakness, and my guess is this is not healthy.  When my kids are afraid I do not tell them to suck it up - I comfort them, I hold them, I protect them, I let them know how much they are loved.  Yet, in my heart I admonish myself for needing these things from my Father.

 

Maybe its not a matter of adjusting my hopes, but of running to my Father when I am afraid. 

 

I do feel frustration with my current situation.  The circumstances around us are not lining up with the plan.  But I am confident that God has us in His hand.  I have to remind myself that He answers in His own time, in his own way, according to His glory.  And maybe that's where my prayer needs to rest. 

 

 

Accept the way God does things,

for who can straighten what he has made crooked?

Enjoy prosperity while you can,

but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.

Remember that nothing is certain in this life.

-- Ecclesiasties 7:13-14

 

 

 



 

We are currently moving into becoming foster parents.  We are taking the first steps toward opening our hearts and home to a child in need of safety.  This is not the door I've been knocking on, but it has a promise of life.  It has a promise of so much more life than anything I can create on my own.

 

The "plan" was always ours, but it was never promised by God.  We have told God that we are His to use as He sees fit, but we always hang onto our plan.  This walk is a continual exercise in letting go and trusting.

 

Immediately after the verse at the top Jesus went onto the one below:

 

"You fathers - if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead?  Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion?  Of course not!  So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him."

   -- Luke 11:11-13

 

The Father will give us His Spirit.  This answer is better than any of our wishes.  This is the answer that will bring us to life regardless of our circumstances.  I will have frustrations, and doors may not open when I knock, but He will always be there with me. 

 

I still feel uneasy, I don't think that's a bad thing.  God is okay with my fears and unease - He can handle it.  In fact, I think there are times when we are supposed to be uneasy.  If things were always good, we would be less inclined to seek the comfort of our Father.  Good and bad times come from God, and it is for His glory that He sets our path.

 

Father, I trust in your provision.  I ask for your Spirit to guide my steps.  May my prosperity and struggles all be used to your glory. 

 

I trust in you O my God.



Focus on the Waves

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.  But when he saw the strong wind and waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.

 

 

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"

 

 -- Matthew 14:29-31

 

The theme of walking in faith continues to have precedent in my life right now.  Stormy seas are terrifying - the ocean has a way of telling you, "You are not welcome here, but now that you are here, you aren't getting out".  The waves beat you over the head, they push you under, and the rip of each wave pulls you away from the shore and into the landing zone of the next wave.  During the pounding of an angry sea we realize how very small and fragile we are.  We realize that we are at the mercy of a force of nature that can swallow us without pause.

 

This last year I've been focused on the waves, and I have been afraid.  And in this fear I began to sink which increased my fear and self-centered focus.  He did not make us move to Colorado - it was our choice.  He made the move easier for us than it should have been, but at no point did He force us to step out of the safety of the known.  When we asked Him, He allowed us to step toward Him, and He made a way for us to do it.

 

As soon as we got out of our boat we began to focus on our challenges, we began to focus on the instability of our situation, we focused on the difficulties, and not on the amazing provision He was offering us all the while.

 

This year is about letting go of that fear, and trusting in the hand of the Lord.  This year is about walking in faith on the path that He allowed us to step into.  We don't know what is going to come next, and the waves have not stopped.  We are not in a place of safety and stability.  It feels like the storm has subsided some, but we know that a single wave can come and smash the calm.

 

It is not about the storm though, it is about living in the adventure He has for us.  The storm is going to come, and we cannot control that.  We can only control our response to it.  Are we going to allow our fear to paralyze us, or are we going to keep our eyes on the One who has authority over everything?

 

 

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty

This I declare about the Lord:

    He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

    he is my God, and I trust him.

                                 -- Psalm 91:1-2

 



 

Storms can be terrifying, but they are also the source of my greatest earthly joy outside of my family. 

 

 

 

Surfing is a large part about taking a healthy fear of the ocean, and stepping right onto that line to enter communion with the most powerful force on earth.  There are terrors all around, but there is indescribable joy that cannot be found on the safety of the shore.

 

Life as promised by Jesus is not about safety; it is a call to step into challenges, it is a call to step out into the unknown and walk with him through the depths that would swallow us whole.

 

Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.  But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?"

  -- Luke 9:23-25
 

 

 







Hanging onto my F-E-A-R

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,'  but not do what I say? ..."  - Luke 6:46

Jesus used this question to lead into the analogy of building a house on a foundation of sand or rock.  The house built on the sand was destroyed in the first storm that came along, while the house built on the solid foundation was safe when adversity came along.

It seems obvious to say that it is a good idea to build a house on the solid foundation, so why would anyone ever build their foundation on shifting sand?

In my heart the answer is F-E-A-R

 

 

Fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of sacrifice.  I cry to the Lord when I face these things, but I fear he will call me into them.  And so, I pray with an agenda - not truly seeking his will and guidance, but for him to speed me along to my goal.

 

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God,

'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'"

C.S. Lewis; The Great Divorce

 

The question that comes from this is: where does my faith actually lie? If my prayer is for my will to be done am I submitting to the one I call Lord?  The answer would seem to be "no."

 

To call him Lord and do what he says is to move into dangerous waters.  He calls us to sacrifice.  He calls us to love.  He calls us to trust completely.  He calls us to place our fears into His hands, and embrace that which our selfish nature would rather avoid.  Not for our own sake, but so His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

 

I struggle with praying "holy" prayers.  I do not want to admit my selfish fears to the Lord, because I know that they are not where He wants my heart to be.  Today I realized that this is actually me clinging onto the protection of my fears.  I don't want to let them go; in a twisted way, they comfort me.  I have been hanging onto my anxiety over the unknown future because in my imagined future is a world shaped by my current circumstances - and that is the foundational sand that Jesus spoke about.

 

- What if He wants us to stay here?

- What if my store ruins my career plans?

- What if we never are more financially secure than we are now?

- What if, what if, what if?

 

I have worries about unknown scenarios that rely on multiple other unknown scenarios to take place before I even get to the cross-road that I worry about: I worry about not getting a promotion for a posting that does not exist.  I worry that this non-existent posting will take us to an unknown place that will be difficult for our family.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus -- Philippians 4:6-7

 

I am praying that I will move away from my will, and working on submitting to His.  This morning I laid out my fears, and will continue to do so, until I can really let them go. 

 

I want to look for the life He has for me today.  If He calls us to be here; I want to embrace the reason behind it.  If He calls us to be financially tight and use our resources to make a home where kids in need of love can find it; I want to embrace that opportunity.  If my career plan is simply a means to get me to a place where I trust Him completely; I want to embrace that security in Him and release the anxiety over my plan.

 

I am not there yet.  I can feel the fear creeping up from my stomach and wrapping its fingers around my lungs.  I begin to run through the well rehearsed laundry list - like a kid rubbing the corners of a well loved blanket.  My fears have been my companion, they have been a warped comfort blanket during those sleepless nights.  But my prayer is that I will let them go, and move into His peace.

 

By not praying my fears I have been holding them.  I need freedom from my fears, so the Peace of the Lord can take their place.  I need to release them, over and over again until they do not return.

 

 

 

My prayer is that He will help me to release my fears into His control.  My prayer is that His will be done in this home, that we would become a family that completely trusts in His provision, and makes our plans based on His desires.

 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

-- Ephesians 3:16-21



What Will Happen Tomorrow

James 4:13-15

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 

Colorado Springs.

September 21, 2013 saw us arrive in town full of confidence that we knew what we were doing.  We were going to be here for a year, we were going to fix the broken stores, we were going to get ready for my promotion, and we were going to get out of here.

We knew this would be a challenge, but we were confident that God was moving us here for a reason.  We had no idea how challenging the year would be though - probably a good thing since I don't know if we would have come had we known what was in store:

 

 - #1 Retail crime market in the United States

 - #1 Theft store in the #1 retail crime market in the United States

 - 3 dead cars

 - 1 set of Frozen Pipes

 - 1 Passive Aggressive HOA

 - Transferred from the #1 theft store to the NEW #1 theft store

 - 3 oral surgeries

 - 2 big cat sicknesses

 

These things were not part of the plan.  We were looking to go to Seattle, and the door opened here.  Our home sold in 4 hours.  We found a place to live in 6 hours.  Every crisis we encountered, every fleece we laid, was answered perfectly.  This was supposed to be easy because we were walking in faith.

 

I guess God didn't get the memo that it was supposed to be easy.

 

 

 

 

This year has been a lesson in faith, and reliance on His provision.  We have faced crisis after crisis where the solution came only from admitting that we had no answer.  We have struggled through doubt, frustration, anger, depression with wave after wave of issues.  Each time we begin to place a little bit of faith in our own strength we are humbled.  And through this frustration God has brought us into His peace.

 

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14

 

With all of the difficulties we've faced, I have no doubt that this is where God wants us to be for this season.  Had we been anywhere else; we would need to live as a two income family, and this year has been a blessing for Kate and the kids.  The external theft experience I am getting here is second to none (way to go Colorado Springs - You are #1!!).  I am in the number one customer / thief traffic store in Colorado, and am diving into mentoring and coaching while facing a huge pile of obstacles.  I was put into a store that was completely broken, and God was able to use my strengths to help heal and build a sustaining culture that will see that team succeed at some point in time.  None of these blessings would have happened anywhere else.

 

Last week I was at a low regarding work: the thieves are winning, my numbers are horrible, inventory is coming and it will not be pretty.  I began to worry that I committed career suicide by coming here.  My goal was to get some experience, fix some stores, and get promoted - but now the concern is this market will bury me and in so doing; strand us here.  Then I prayed.

 

I felt a peace and whisper come over me saying; "Child, I brought you here.  I opened this window, and I have you.  My purpose may not be yours, but I will not abandon you."  And that was it.  Peace. 

 

I don't know if we will get the promotion.  I don't know if the theft of Colorado Springs will stop my career aspirations in their tracks.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow.  But I do know that God made the way, He has us, He has us.  We are here for His purpose, and it may have nothing to do with our goals, but it is for our good.

 

 

 

 

 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. - Romans 15:13

 





Adventures in Parenting

Daddy, I'm freezing

Daddy, I'm hungry

I have to go poop

I'm tired

Help me

Get me

Give me

Give me

Give me

NOW!

 

 

Parenting.  It is not an easy job.  The hours are long, the customers are demanding, and there is always something that needs to be done.  There are times when I feel like pulling my hair out before I even have a chance to get out of bed.  But I love them - and I would not trade a single second of the time I get to spend with my two beautiful kids.  I provide for my kids (sometimes with an exaggerated eye roll), then go onto my adult day.  Sometimes this adult day begins with a prayer, that often looks something like this:

 

Father, I need money

Father, I need guidance

I'm tired

Help me

Get me

Give me

Give me

Give me

NOW!

Amen

 

 



 

 

I have to admit, my prayers are often very much like the cries from my children.  I usually close my eyes and give god my wish list.  I remind God of those things that I've already told him I want and have not yet received, add a few other items to the list, then when everything is out I say amen, and go back to my world of selfish ambition.  My prayer time is not about cultivating relationship with my Father, it is about getting what is mine and moving on.  It is about voicing my fears, my wishes, and (what I perceive to be) my needs.

 

God loves us exactly where we are, but he also desires that we learn and grow - just like I want my children to mature and develop from immaturity into maturity.  I love the phases my kids are in, but I celebrate each baby step toward adulthood.  I look forward to the day when we can sit at a table as equals, and have a real substantial conversation.  And, I think that's a tiny glimpse of God's desire for us - will we ever be equals?  No, but we do not have to be perpetually stuck in toddlerhood.

 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

    - 1 Corinthians 13:11

 

What does maturity in God look like?  I believe it is a picture of love.  When we move into maturity we are less concerned with ourselves, and more concerned with loving others.  We put our needs aside, and make others our priority.  We begin to be a reflection of the love that God offers us.  We accept people for who they are, and we love them without agenda - just like God loves us.

 

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails ...

   - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

I have been working on moving away from acting like a child.  That I would move away from focusing on my desires, and into true relationship with this Love that is mine.

 

My prayer is that each of us would have the courage to move deeper into relationship with him.  There is risk involved in this because love is not easy, but it is good.  My kids will have to take risks to grow up - they will have their hearts broken, and they will earn their scars, but these growing pains are just part of the maturing process.  In the same way the spiritual life will result in pains and hurts, but they are necessary for maturity.  People will always let us down, and the more we make ourselves available to them, the more we open ourselves up to their hurts.  But, if we focus only on ourselves we cannot love others, if we do not make ourselves vulnerable we can never show God's love because he made himself ultimately vulnerable through Jesus.  Jesus loved us perfectly.  Think about what this looked like ... chew on it and let his example soak in.  This is what we are called to do - to love the world with all of our hearts, minds, and souls.  We cannot do this when we think as toddlers, so we must be willing to go through the maturing process in order to truly enter into the fullness of life that He has for us.



The Daily Walk

A few years back, our pastor Curt Brunk, introduced us to the practice of SOAP journaling.  The practice is pretty simple, and gives a great format for Bible study.  SOAP is an acronym for Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer.  Start with a scripture, then look at what is being said, next ask how does that apply to my life, finally write a prayer based on what the verse is saying to you.

I've decided to put some of my entries out on the web.  My hope is that it will inspire someone else to begin taking the time to begin journaling, and will maybe give someone the structure that they need.  I love journaling my walk.  If I read a verse and don't write my thoughts out it passes through me like a dream, but when I write it down it becomes more solid in my daily walk.  I think it is the act of involving reading, writing, and speaking (prayer) that writes the verse into my heart - the more active you can be, the deeper the impression.

These entries are pulled directly from my latest study journal (my old one is still back in Wenatchee), so they are pictures into where my walk was at that date, and what God shared with my soul.  My idea is to just put somewhere around 5 entries online at a time, so here goes:

Date: 12-11-12
S: Mark 14:36: "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you.  Take this cup from me.  Yet not what I will, but what you will."

O: Jesus knew what was coming.  He prayed that God would spare him the pain, but he did not waiver in his obedience.

A: What is in it for me?  Far too often that is where my thoughts go.  I place up my hand and choose to tell God, "That's far enough."  God does not promise earthly comforts or wealth.  By placing my own interests first I place myself first - I am the sinner.

P: Father, I am selfish - I am short sighted - I am the sinner.  Please forgive me - please use me for your Plan.  I place my hope and trust in the Lord God Almighty.  Who was, and is, and is to come.  May your kingdom reign and your will be done.  - Amen
- - - - - - - - -

Date: 12-12-12
S: Mark 14:64-65: "You have heard the blasphemy.  What do you think?" They all condemned him as worthy of death.  Then some began to spit at him; they blindfolded him, struck him with their fists, and said, "Prophesy!" And the guards took him and beat him.

O: And so begins the greatest act of Love.

A: I am those fists.  I am those hateful shouts.  Nothing I can ever do can take that away.  Yet, because of this incomprehensible love I am forgiven.  The weight of grace is fare too light in my life.  My actions do not reflect the cost paid for me to be a son.

P: Lord, I pray that my life, my energy, and my legacy would reflect the price paid.  My life was not free, and for me to hold that it was freely bought is another slap to your son's face.  Let my heart turn to you.  May my body be yours.  I ask you to move in me and transform me as you will. - Amen
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Date: 12-13-12
S: Mark 14:71: He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you are talking about."

O: Despite his oaths and confidence, Peter turned on his lord when fear overtook him.  But Jesus and God did not falter in their Love for Peter.

A: I constantly fail - and I try to fix it.  God knows me better than I know myself (because I lie to myself constantly).  He does not expect me to come to Him perfected.  He has me flawed and He will make me perfect in His perfect way.

P: Lord, I have denied you more times than I can count.  Yet you love me.  You have not denied me.  I pray for strength to stand firm on your rock.  I thank you for grace incomprehensible. - Amen
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Date: 12-16-12
S: Mark 15-15: Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them.  He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

O: Pilate knew Jesus was innocent, but he gave into the Jewish leaders to pacify them.

A: I have chosen to do what I know to be wrong in order to satisfy others. I have given into pressures and perceived pressures instead of acting in a way that I know to be right.  Being a coward is often easier than being brave.

P: Father, I am the sinner.  I have pushed your voice down so I could do wrong.  I pray for your forgiveness and thank you for the grace you offer.  I am truly not worthy - yet you love me.  I pray for transformation from a being of fear to one of light and courage - shaped in your likeness.  - Amen
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Date: 12-23-12
S: 1 Corinthians 3:21-23: So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future - all are yours, and you are of Christ, an Christ is of God.

O: Paul urged the Corinthians to remove all items that caused division.  The world, life, death, present or future - all are unknowns that we use to put others down, and build ourselves up.  Paul says that we are all level in Christ, as we are all children with God's inheritance.

A: As God's child I need to worry less about my situation, and worry more about my brothers and sisters.  The God of all has called me to Him! That is all I should ever boast of.

P: Father, forgive me for the pride and division that come so easily.  Help me to see with new eyes - to hear with open ears.  To pour my energies out instead of in.  Your love, your plan, is more than I could ever hope for.  Please do not let me forget. - Amen

Date: 12-26-12
S: 1 Cor: 4:4: My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.

O: Paul tells us that though he is forgiven he is not innocent before the Lord.  He also reminds us that our opinion of ourselves is not relevant - only God is the judge of all.

A: My sins are forgiven only by grace.  I cannot "good" them away.  I must remember that I am not a judge and I don't get to say a thing about eternal affairs because I am not qualified to run my own life.  Humility needs to be a constant focus.

P: Father, I praise you for grace undeserved.  Thank you for forgiveness.  Please help me to remember that I am free because of you.  Because you chose to take my place.  I am only alive when I die into you.  Please help me to chose your life every day.  - Amen

Savoring Victory

     "It means," said Aslan, "that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know.  Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of Time.  But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation.  She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards.  And now -"

     "Oh yes. Now?" said Lucy jumping up and clapping her hands.

     "Oh children," said the Lion, "I feel my strength coming back to me.  Oh, children, catch me if you can!"

      -- C.S. Lewis; The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

 

 

 

 

 

This morning I was reading John 19 and 20.  This is where Jesus is turned over to the Romans, beaten, killed, and has risen again.  Christians know this story better than nearly any other in the Bible, and rightly we should since everything hinges on this event.  Today I was blindsided by a section that I've read over many times, but today the intimacy of the moment struck my heart in a way that has left me off balance all day.

 

So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb.  Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first.  He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in.  Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb.  He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head.  The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen.  Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside.  He saw and believed (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)

        -- John 20:3-9

 

The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen .... holy cow.

 

I started to imagine what it was like for Jesus when he woke up.  What were those moments like when he opened his eyes, and felt his body again?  His last words were, "It is finished," and when he woke up it was finished.  He did not have to defeat death and sin anymore, it was done.  He had been given the most difficult job to do, and he saw it through to the most bitter end.  All of the fear, anxiety, pain, and betrayal was behind him - he had won the ultimate victory.  And then he woke up alone, wrapped, in the dark of a cave.

 

I imagine this was the most peaceful moment of His life.  I imagine that he let his body come back to him slowly starting at his fingers and toes then moving inward.  He took the time to fold the cloth that was covering his face.  He did not throw it off, he folded it and set it aside. 





 

 

 

 

I don't have any big spiritual insights in this.  I am just blown away by the peacefulness of the folded cloth.  It is such a simple act, but to me it speaks of a very introspective moment.  In my past, when I've moved onto a new adventure, I've been more intentional about saying goodbye.  I savor sights, smells, feelings so as to imprint them forever in my heart.  That is what the folding of the cloth speaks to me.  Jesus spent an unknowable time in that dark cave, savoring the feeling of a job perfectly completed to the glory of his Father.

 

Our God is amazing.