I am not a patient man. I have heard it said that our entire generation wants everything now - I don't know about that, but I know that impatience has been a trait of mine for as long as I can remember. I want results now, and if I can't get them I will either figure out a way to rush the system or I will look for something that will get me results quicker. I don't like the growing process; I want fruit all of the time. This impatience has applied to my work, my finances, and my spiritual life.
I do not like the growth phases of life - it feels like I am going nowhere, and so I try to rush the process along.
I have slowly come to realize the folly of this thought process. It has caused me much more harm than good, and has often resulted in me setting myself back further than I would have been had I let the growing process take its course. In my rush to get what I deserve, I position myself in a way that is much worse than where I was. If this was a one-time thing I would not be so concerned, but it has been a life-long pattern that I cannot brush off. It has been a distinct lack of maturity that has resulted in my life being built on shifting sand.
The most obvious result of this impatience setting me back has been in my jobs. I had several very good positions in excellent companies, but I was always looking for that better opportunity. I fueled myself with the belief that I was under-appreciated, underutilized, and under-compensated. I created a vain two-headed monster: first, the monster of discontent, and second, the monster of self-superiority. Because I nurtured and listened to these two ugly thoughts, I jumped jobs when I should have stayed and put myself into positions far worse than the ones I'd just left. I also missed out on getting to know some truly exceptional people because I was too busy looking down on them - I wish I could go back and fix that, but time only moves one way.
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), this monster of impatience did not check itself at the door when I returned to church. After only a month back in the church, I began looking at other people's faiths and seeing the specks in their eyes. It was easy to see the weaknesses of others, and by looking at those, it was easy to make myself feel good about my strength. I began to feel like I should be volunteering, and being recognized for the strength of my faith. I hadn't started praying, and I was not working to build my faith on the rock - I was just better than those other people and wanted the recognition due me. I volunteered in positions that felt empty to me, but I was doing them because I knew it would lead to my recognition. When it did not come I felt slighted.
Then, something happened; I took a look in the mirror and saw that I was building my faith on me. I was not seeking God, I was not interested in repenting, I was placing all of my confidence and hope in the idol of Mark. At that moment, when the veil was finally pulled, I had my first moment of spiritual vulnerability and was rocked to my core. I apologized to God - over and over - then I allowed Him to forgive me. In the past I held the responsibility; if I was going to come to God it would happen on my terms. I realized that I did not need to be anything more than me in order to be in His love, and the less I tried to do for Him, the more He was able to do through me.
God is amazing. He works through us to further His kingdom. He loves us exactly as we are. We do not have to impress God (we can't), we do not have to meet any certain criteria to come to Him - we only have to acknowledge that He is God and we are not. We have to come to understand that there is nothing that we can do to earn His love - yet He loves us more deeply than we can understand.
It is so much easier to see weakness in another than it is to dive into ourselves, but that is not where God wants us to go. We are called to be self-examining and to love others. We are called to extend grace and acceptance with an understanding that each person who claims Christ is called to work out their own salvation with the King. We are called to be humble, to build up those who the world puts down, to love our enemies, and lay our lives down for those we love. We are not called to make ourselves feel better about our standing with the Lord.
Then his disciples began arguing about which of them was the greatest. But Jesus knew their thoughts, so he brought a little child to his side. Then he said to them, “Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me also welcomes my Father who sent me. Whoever is the least among you is the greatest.” - Luke 9: 46-48
As I grow in Him, I worry less and less about how I am received by men. The irony is that as I've learned to focus less on my accomplishments, God has placed me in situations where I am accomplishing more and more.
Whenever my pride starts to raise its head, or I hear that voice urging me to grasp for more, I am reminded of the ransom paid for my life. I am reminded that I am nothing without Him and that He is utterly complete without my contributions. I am patient in the Lord because the victory is already won. There is no better to get to - it is here with us. We can only go deeper into His love and that cannot happen by our wills - only by His grace.
Tonight I will close with some Paul followed by some Toby Mac.
Thanks for reading.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3: 12-14
