Hanging onto my F-E-A-R

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,'  but not do what I say? ..."  - Luke 6:46

Jesus used this question to lead into the analogy of building a house on a foundation of sand or rock.  The house built on the sand was destroyed in the first storm that came along, while the house built on the solid foundation was safe when adversity came along.

It seems obvious to say that it is a good idea to build a house on the solid foundation, so why would anyone ever build their foundation on shifting sand?

In my heart the answer is F-E-A-R

 

 

Fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of sacrifice.  I cry to the Lord when I face these things, but I fear he will call me into them.  And so, I pray with an agenda - not truly seeking his will and guidance, but for him to speed me along to my goal.

 

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God,

'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'"

C.S. Lewis; The Great Divorce

 

The question that comes from this is: where does my faith actually lie? If my prayer is for my will to be done am I submitting to the one I call Lord?  The answer would seem to be "no."

 

To call him Lord and do what he says is to move into dangerous waters.  He calls us to sacrifice.  He calls us to love.  He calls us to trust completely.  He calls us to place our fears into His hands, and embrace that which our selfish nature would rather avoid.  Not for our own sake, but so His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

 

I struggle with praying "holy" prayers.  I do not want to admit my selfish fears to the Lord, because I know that they are not where He wants my heart to be.  Today I realized that this is actually me clinging onto the protection of my fears.  I don't want to let them go; in a twisted way, they comfort me.  I have been hanging onto my anxiety over the unknown future because in my imagined future is a world shaped by my current circumstances - and that is the foundational sand that Jesus spoke about.

 

- What if He wants us to stay here?

- What if my store ruins my career plans?

- What if we never are more financially secure than we are now?

- What if, what if, what if?

 

I have worries about unknown scenarios that rely on multiple other unknown scenarios to take place before I even get to the cross-road that I worry about: I worry about not getting a promotion for a posting that does not exist.  I worry that this non-existent posting will take us to an unknown place that will be difficult for our family.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus -- Philippians 4:6-7

 

I am praying that I will move away from my will, and working on submitting to His.  This morning I laid out my fears, and will continue to do so, until I can really let them go. 

 

I want to look for the life He has for me today.  If He calls us to be here; I want to embrace the reason behind it.  If He calls us to be financially tight and use our resources to make a home where kids in need of love can find it; I want to embrace that opportunity.  If my career plan is simply a means to get me to a place where I trust Him completely; I want to embrace that security in Him and release the anxiety over my plan.

 

I am not there yet.  I can feel the fear creeping up from my stomach and wrapping its fingers around my lungs.  I begin to run through the well rehearsed laundry list - like a kid rubbing the corners of a well loved blanket.  My fears have been my companion, they have been a warped comfort blanket during those sleepless nights.  But my prayer is that I will let them go, and move into His peace.

 

By not praying my fears I have been holding them.  I need freedom from my fears, so the Peace of the Lord can take their place.  I need to release them, over and over again until they do not return.

 

 

 

My prayer is that He will help me to release my fears into His control.  My prayer is that His will be done in this home, that we would become a family that completely trusts in His provision, and makes our plans based on His desires.

 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

-- Ephesians 3:16-21



What Will Happen Tomorrow

James 4:13-15

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 

Colorado Springs.

September 21, 2013 saw us arrive in town full of confidence that we knew what we were doing.  We were going to be here for a year, we were going to fix the broken stores, we were going to get ready for my promotion, and we were going to get out of here.

We knew this would be a challenge, but we were confident that God was moving us here for a reason.  We had no idea how challenging the year would be though - probably a good thing since I don't know if we would have come had we known what was in store:

 

 - #1 Retail crime market in the United States

 - #1 Theft store in the #1 retail crime market in the United States

 - 3 dead cars

 - 1 set of Frozen Pipes

 - 1 Passive Aggressive HOA

 - Transferred from the #1 theft store to the NEW #1 theft store

 - 3 oral surgeries

 - 2 big cat sicknesses

 

These things were not part of the plan.  We were looking to go to Seattle, and the door opened here.  Our home sold in 4 hours.  We found a place to live in 6 hours.  Every crisis we encountered, every fleece we laid, was answered perfectly.  This was supposed to be easy because we were walking in faith.

 

I guess God didn't get the memo that it was supposed to be easy.

 

 

 

 

This year has been a lesson in faith, and reliance on His provision.  We have faced crisis after crisis where the solution came only from admitting that we had no answer.  We have struggled through doubt, frustration, anger, depression with wave after wave of issues.  Each time we begin to place a little bit of faith in our own strength we are humbled.  And through this frustration God has brought us into His peace.

 

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14

 

With all of the difficulties we've faced, I have no doubt that this is where God wants us to be for this season.  Had we been anywhere else; we would need to live as a two income family, and this year has been a blessing for Kate and the kids.  The external theft experience I am getting here is second to none (way to go Colorado Springs - You are #1!!).  I am in the number one customer / thief traffic store in Colorado, and am diving into mentoring and coaching while facing a huge pile of obstacles.  I was put into a store that was completely broken, and God was able to use my strengths to help heal and build a sustaining culture that will see that team succeed at some point in time.  None of these blessings would have happened anywhere else.

 

Last week I was at a low regarding work: the thieves are winning, my numbers are horrible, inventory is coming and it will not be pretty.  I began to worry that I committed career suicide by coming here.  My goal was to get some experience, fix some stores, and get promoted - but now the concern is this market will bury me and in so doing; strand us here.  Then I prayed.

 

I felt a peace and whisper come over me saying; "Child, I brought you here.  I opened this window, and I have you.  My purpose may not be yours, but I will not abandon you."  And that was it.  Peace. 

 

I don't know if we will get the promotion.  I don't know if the theft of Colorado Springs will stop my career aspirations in their tracks.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow.  But I do know that God made the way, He has us, He has us.  We are here for His purpose, and it may have nothing to do with our goals, but it is for our good.

 

 

 

 

 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. - Romans 15:13