The Slow Pitch

I've been doing a daily trip through the Psalms.  The Psalms are the Bible's book of prayer, and prayer is something that is certainly lacking in my life.  Thus, the study into the Psalms.

The last three days have been especially busy, and so I was not able to get to my study those mornings.  Today I decided that I needed to catch up and do all three days worth of study in one swoop.  My method is I am reading three Psalms a day in 50 Pslam increments (1, 51, 101) - then I am journaling on the verse or verses that really catch my eye that day.  I am using the SOAP method, so each journal entry has a Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer - I've found this the most impactful method for my studies, and have been using it for years.

I figured doing three (9 Psalms) at once would be a bit of a pain, but I'd knock it out and get on with the day.  I did day one completely through before I moved onto day two, so my journal entries went after I read the day's three verses - then after my entry was in, I moved onto the next set of verses.

Here is how the morning went:

Scripture #1:

Save me, O God,

for the flood waters are up to my neck.

Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;

I can't find a foothold.

I am in deep water,

and the floods overwhelm me.

-- Psalm 69:1-2

This is a cry from David, and is much more eloquent than anything I can do, but I recognize the feeling.

Life has a way of surrounding us, pulling us in, and making us feel very stuck.  If we somehow manage to get one foot out, we have to put it down again, and we get sucked right back down into the slop.

The thing about this verse that caught me is David's intimacy with God.  I know that God will hear my troubles, but I often feel like my bringing my troubles to Him is selfish and not where my prayers should be centered.  Instead of bringing my frustrations to Him, I stuff then down and try to handle things on my own.  I send up prayers that sound holier, and come from a sincere place of wanting to be better, but come at the expense of my actual heart cry.  During today's writing I realized that this really comes from a lack of faith: lack of faith in the depth of His love, and a lack of faith in my full adoption as a son.

Scripture #2:

I took my troubles to the Lord;

I cried out to him and he answered my prayer.

How I suffer in far-off Meshech.

It pains me to live in distant Kedar

- Psalm 120:1 and 5

Psalm 120 is a song for the pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem.  I actually laughed when I read this because I instantly read "Kedar" as "Kedarado" ... 

"Suffering" feels like too strong a word, but it does pain me to be here.  Nearly everything has been more challenging since we pulled into town: cars, money, weather, work, church, friends, family ... that about covers it.  But the first section of my verse study promises something wonderful:

He will hear me and He will answer my prayer.

Here is my prayer written in my journal entry:

Lord, I miss Washington.  I miss the Pacific. I miss family.  This land is hard.  It is lonely and challenging.  Work is hard - it feels futile.  Yet, I know you are with me.  You are doing things in our life that will bless us and, more importantly, others.  I trust you O God.  My hope is in you and not my circumstances.

Scripture #3:

I look up to the mountains - 

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord

who made heaven and earth!

The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as you protective shade.

- Psalm 121: 1-2 and 5

This verse tied everything together.  Three verses in the same day about the presence and protection of the Lord.  The first spoke to the feeling of being stuck, and let me see that my lack of faith lies behind me not giving those over.  The second spoke to the pain and difficulty of distance.  Because of the first verse I was able to simply state what has been on my heart and mind for 15 months, and because I was able to state it; I was able to lay it down.  The third verse spoke to the shelter and protection of the Lord.

The mire, the waves, and the distance are all hard to deal with.  My work is always going to be difficult.  But I have comfort in the presence of God.  He is always here.  He is always working on me.  He is my protective shade.  He shaped the heavens and the earth, and he has adopted me as his child.  If God is for me who can stand against me that I should fear?

And that was my study this morning.  From acknowledging my lack of faith, to putting voice to my fears, frustrations, and worries, to comfort in the promises of my all-powerful father.

Good stuff.  God is good all of the time - all of the time God is good.

The World on Fire

"I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning! I have a terrible baptism of suffering ahead of me, and I am under a heavy burden until it is accomplished.  Do you think I have come to bring peace on earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other!"
  -- Luke 12:49-51

What do we think of when we picture Jesus?  Do we picture the white flowing robes and the Germanic features?  Do we picture the smiling children at his feet?  Do we picture a man walking tranquilly across a stormy sea?

Or, do we picture a man ready to set the world on fire?

I can say that I rarely have that last image come to mind, but that is why he came.  He came to change the world forever, and while we reap the benefits of this, he carried the burden.  During his ministry he performed miracles, and he taught about caring for the downtrodden, but his ultimate purpose was to destroy the old fabric of the law, and give birth to healing.

Jesus was love, but he was not soft and weak.  He was God manifest as human, come with the purpose of redeeming His people from the death they deserved.  The burden of death that was ours was on His head - by His choice.  There was no reason for God to do this, there was nothing that forced His hand to send His son down here, He owed us nothing.  Yet, He came, He loved, He carried the weight, He died .... for us.

The weight of this can be crushing if we allow it to be, and if we focus on how very unworthy we are of such and act.  I know that I've been in this spot a few times, and I think it is a good place to be for a brief period since it allows us to really reflect on how very unworthy we are of grace, but it is not a place to linger.  If we stay too long in this thought arena; the focus moves from Jesus and grace to self worth which is not the point.  I believe it is good to go before God and confess everything, lay it all out at His feet, but after that is done we need to leave it there and move forward confident in our forgiveness.

What can I offer the Lord

for all he has done for me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation

and praise the Lord's name for saving me.

-- Psalms 116:12-13

So, how do we respond to a gift of which we are so very unworthy?  With praise!  By living a life unlike the one we were living before we received His gift.  By understanding that He bought us with His blood, His suffering, His life.  We get to choose to accept the gift, but we do not get to set the terms.  We don't get to negotiate with God, we are either His or we are our own - there is no middle ground.  We cannot repay Him, we cannot get on even ground with God - He is beyond us, yet by His grace, power, and glory; He chose to make a way for relationship.

God needs nothing from me.  He already owns it all.  I cannot repay Him, my good deeds will never begin to cover the debt that was mine.  It is pointless to even try to earn the grace offered me.  All I can offer Him is my everything.

Once I came to terms with the fact that all I can offer is my praise I stepped from guilt into freedom.  I could have gotten stuck looking at my shame - it is an easy place to linger since it still affords us the ownership of our lives, but there is no life there.  Life did not rain down on my head until I decided to accept the gift of life with thanksgiving in praise Him with all that I am.  

Unfailing love and truth have met together.

Righteousness and peace have kissed!

Truth springs up from the earth,

and righteousness smiles down from heaven.

Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings.

Our land will yield its bountiful harvest.

Righteousness goes as a herald before him,

preparing the way for his steps.

-- Psalms 85:10-13

Unfailing love and truth have met.  Righteousness and peace have kissed!  Jesus came and set the world on fire.  He destroyed the world as we had created it to be, and He birthed a new hope for all mankind.

"'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver, 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'" -- The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; C.S. Lewis

Measuring Success in Life

Then someone called from the crowd, "Teacher, please tell my brother to divide our father's estate with me."

Jesus replied, "Friend, who has made me a judge over you to decide such things as that?" Then he said, "Beware! Guard against every kind of greed.  Life is not measured by how much you own."

Then he told them a story, "A rich man had a fertile farm that produced fine crops.  He said to himself, 'What should I do? I don't have room for all my crops.' Then he said, 'I know! I'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones. Then I'll have room enough to store all of my wheat and other goods. And I'll sit back and say to myself, 'My friend, you have enough stored away for years to come.  Now take it easy! Eat, drink and be merry!"

"But God said to him, 'You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?'

"Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God."

-- Luke 12:13-21

I recently listened to a sermon on this verse, and then today I came across it during my morning study.  I find that when I start to see a common message pop up in my life its because the Spirit is working on me.

I am not a man in pursuit of monetary wealth.  I am a realist, and I understand that I have not ventured into a profession that is going to allow me the luxuries that come with massive levels of money.  But, worldly riches are not always money - we pursue comfort, status, possessions .... there are idols all around us calling to us with their siren songs.  Jesus told the man to beware against every kind of greed, and that is much more difficult than watching out for the very minimal chance that I will get a Scrooge McDuck style swimming pool in my lifetime.

With that in mind, I asked myself the following two questions (to which I already knew the answer):

1. How much of my time and effort do I place into my own advancement?

2. Do I pray for God to use me for His plan, or do I pray for God to do my will for my own purpose?

I realize that my focus is very often on my life, my goals, my hopes.  I do my best to set up a target, and then try to convince God that its in both of our best interest for that target to be met as quickly as possible.  Enlisting God to be our life assistant is easy - often futile, but easy.

I pray for God to help me reach the feet of my idols, and I get frustrated when I find that He does not lead me there.  After all, earlier in Luke it says, Keep on asking and you will receive. So, when I ask and ask for something why doesn't it happen?  My guess is because what I want is not something that I need at this point.  What I need is what He is providing today, what I need is more of His Spirit, what I need is less of my will and more of His.

Many people say, "Who will show us better times?"

Let your face smile on us, Lord.

You have given me greater joy

than those who have abundant harvests of

grain and new wine.

In peace I will lie down and sleep

for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

-- Psalm 4:6-8

I need to continually examine my motivations.  Am I submitting to God, or am I trying to submit him to me?  Am I saying "thy will be done?" or am I pushing him to say that to me?  Only one of these will ever lead to life.  The road to that life will most likely be full of discomfort, challenge, and even pain, but there is life at the end.

"The seed that fell among the thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasure, and they do not mature.  But the seed on the good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." -- Luke 8:14-15

The thorns of life's worries are easily the biggest threat in my life.  Concerns over work, money, and my circumstances make so much noise that I often focus completely on myself and lose focus on what matters.  I focus on the thorns, and then pray for God to use them for my good.  It seems so ridiculous when I type it out, but when I am in the moment of the crucible, it seems so easy.

God is not mine to use.  He bought me - not the other way around.  He paid my price, He made a way for me to be in communion with Him.  It is not because of anything that I have done or will ever do that I am able to run to Him when I am hurting.

My prayer today is that I will continually move from self-focused prayer to selfless prayer.  That my motivations would be for His will to be done, His life to manifest in mine, that my heart would submit to His will, and that my days would be lived in thankful service to the One who bought me at the greatest price.

Walking Uphill

"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
      -- Luke 11:9-10

Most of my posts have been epiphanies, but today starts at 100% struggle.  I've been on the fence about posting this one, but I realized that the purpose of my blog is to speak to my entire walk, and part of any walk is the struggle - its not all downhill.

I don't know how to understand this verse.  How does this verse mesh with the reality that we do not always get what we ask for?  We can pray and pray for something and sometimes the answer is "No."  Sometimes the answer is silence on the other side of the door. 

How do that reality and this verse meet in a place that does not contradict? 

I don't know the answer to that, and I'm hoping that my typing will bring me to a place where my heart is at least at rest in my uneasiness.  It is easier for me to organize my thoughts this way, so my prayer is God uses this to bring my thoughts into order and soothe my frayed nerves.

So, here we go ....

God is not a magical wish granting genie; He is our Father.  When my kids ask me for something that is unhealthy or dangerous I'm not going to give it to them no matter how often they ask.  They may really want to eat marshmallows for dinner, but I know that they need nutrients, so that's what I'm going to give them.  They may not like it, but it is what their bodies need to grow.

So, what exactly did Jesus mean when he said if we ask we will receive what we ask for?  In that question lays my conundrum: I don't feel like what I'm asking Him for is the equivalent of a marshmallow dinner, but what I'm asking for seems to get further and further away.  Instead of hoping for my request to be granted; I feel my heart lowering the expectations and resigning.  Is that what is supposed to happen?  I'm still hopeful and I'm still asking, but I'm preparing my heart for the door to remain closed.  Instead of praying for my hope to be fulfilled, I'm praying more and more that my heart be okay with the possibility that the promotion will not come and that we will be Coloradans for a long time.

I know that God will provide - I do not doubt that.  But I am not currently finding hope in the promise at the top of the post.

 

Lord, hear my prayer!

Listen to my plea!

Don't turn away from me

in my time of distress.

Bend down to listen,

and answer me quickly when I call to you.

For my days disappear like smoke,

and my bones burn like red-hot coals.

My heart is sick, withered like grass,

and I have lost my appetite.

Because of my groaning,

I am reduced to skin and bones.

I am like an owl in the desert,

like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.

I lie awake,

lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.

My enemies taunt me day after day.

They mock and curse me.

-- Psalm 102: 1-8

 

This is more in line with how I feel right now.  The walk is uphill.  The waves are crashing all around me, and the boat seems so very far away.

 

I feel like I should not have these struggles and doubts.  I feel like I need to put my chin up, push this all down, adjust my expectations / hopes and be happy.  I connect struggles with weakness, and my guess is this is not healthy.  When my kids are afraid I do not tell them to suck it up - I comfort them, I hold them, I protect them, I let them know how much they are loved.  Yet, in my heart I admonish myself for needing these things from my Father.

 

Maybe its not a matter of adjusting my hopes, but of running to my Father when I am afraid. 

 

I do feel frustration with my current situation.  The circumstances around us are not lining up with the plan.  But I am confident that God has us in His hand.  I have to remind myself that He answers in His own time, in his own way, according to His glory.  And maybe that's where my prayer needs to rest. 

 

 

Accept the way God does things,

for who can straighten what he has made crooked?

Enjoy prosperity while you can,

but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.

Remember that nothing is certain in this life.

-- Ecclesiasties 7:13-14

 

 

 



 

We are currently moving into becoming foster parents.  We are taking the first steps toward opening our hearts and home to a child in need of safety.  This is not the door I've been knocking on, but it has a promise of life.  It has a promise of so much more life than anything I can create on my own.

 

The "plan" was always ours, but it was never promised by God.  We have told God that we are His to use as He sees fit, but we always hang onto our plan.  This walk is a continual exercise in letting go and trusting.

 

Immediately after the verse at the top Jesus went onto the one below:

 

"You fathers - if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead?  Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion?  Of course not!  So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him."

   -- Luke 11:11-13

 

The Father will give us His Spirit.  This answer is better than any of our wishes.  This is the answer that will bring us to life regardless of our circumstances.  I will have frustrations, and doors may not open when I knock, but He will always be there with me. 

 

I still feel uneasy, I don't think that's a bad thing.  God is okay with my fears and unease - He can handle it.  In fact, I think there are times when we are supposed to be uneasy.  If things were always good, we would be less inclined to seek the comfort of our Father.  Good and bad times come from God, and it is for His glory that He sets our path.

 

Father, I trust in your provision.  I ask for your Spirit to guide my steps.  May my prosperity and struggles all be used to your glory. 

 

I trust in you O my God.



Focus on the Waves

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.  But when he saw the strong wind and waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.

 

 

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"

 

 -- Matthew 14:29-31

 

The theme of walking in faith continues to have precedent in my life right now.  Stormy seas are terrifying - the ocean has a way of telling you, "You are not welcome here, but now that you are here, you aren't getting out".  The waves beat you over the head, they push you under, and the rip of each wave pulls you away from the shore and into the landing zone of the next wave.  During the pounding of an angry sea we realize how very small and fragile we are.  We realize that we are at the mercy of a force of nature that can swallow us without pause.

 

This last year I've been focused on the waves, and I have been afraid.  And in this fear I began to sink which increased my fear and self-centered focus.  He did not make us move to Colorado - it was our choice.  He made the move easier for us than it should have been, but at no point did He force us to step out of the safety of the known.  When we asked Him, He allowed us to step toward Him, and He made a way for us to do it.

 

As soon as we got out of our boat we began to focus on our challenges, we began to focus on the instability of our situation, we focused on the difficulties, and not on the amazing provision He was offering us all the while.

 

This year is about letting go of that fear, and trusting in the hand of the Lord.  This year is about walking in faith on the path that He allowed us to step into.  We don't know what is going to come next, and the waves have not stopped.  We are not in a place of safety and stability.  It feels like the storm has subsided some, but we know that a single wave can come and smash the calm.

 

It is not about the storm though, it is about living in the adventure He has for us.  The storm is going to come, and we cannot control that.  We can only control our response to it.  Are we going to allow our fear to paralyze us, or are we going to keep our eyes on the One who has authority over everything?

 

 

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty

This I declare about the Lord:

    He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

    he is my God, and I trust him.

                                 -- Psalm 91:1-2

 



 

Storms can be terrifying, but they are also the source of my greatest earthly joy outside of my family. 

 

 

 

Surfing is a large part about taking a healthy fear of the ocean, and stepping right onto that line to enter communion with the most powerful force on earth.  There are terrors all around, but there is indescribable joy that cannot be found on the safety of the shore.

 

Life as promised by Jesus is not about safety; it is a call to step into challenges, it is a call to step out into the unknown and walk with him through the depths that would swallow us whole.

 

Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.  But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?"

  -- Luke 9:23-25