Hanging onto my F-E-A-R

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,'  but not do what I say? ..."  - Luke 6:46

Jesus used this question to lead into the analogy of building a house on a foundation of sand or rock.  The house built on the sand was destroyed in the first storm that came along, while the house built on the solid foundation was safe when adversity came along.

It seems obvious to say that it is a good idea to build a house on the solid foundation, so why would anyone ever build their foundation on shifting sand?

In my heart the answer is F-E-A-R

 

 

Fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of sacrifice.  I cry to the Lord when I face these things, but I fear he will call me into them.  And so, I pray with an agenda - not truly seeking his will and guidance, but for him to speed me along to my goal.

 

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God,

'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'"

C.S. Lewis; The Great Divorce

 

The question that comes from this is: where does my faith actually lie? If my prayer is for my will to be done am I submitting to the one I call Lord?  The answer would seem to be "no."

 

To call him Lord and do what he says is to move into dangerous waters.  He calls us to sacrifice.  He calls us to love.  He calls us to trust completely.  He calls us to place our fears into His hands, and embrace that which our selfish nature would rather avoid.  Not for our own sake, but so His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

 

I struggle with praying "holy" prayers.  I do not want to admit my selfish fears to the Lord, because I know that they are not where He wants my heart to be.  Today I realized that this is actually me clinging onto the protection of my fears.  I don't want to let them go; in a twisted way, they comfort me.  I have been hanging onto my anxiety over the unknown future because in my imagined future is a world shaped by my current circumstances - and that is the foundational sand that Jesus spoke about.

 

- What if He wants us to stay here?

- What if my store ruins my career plans?

- What if we never are more financially secure than we are now?

- What if, what if, what if?

 

I have worries about unknown scenarios that rely on multiple other unknown scenarios to take place before I even get to the cross-road that I worry about: I worry about not getting a promotion for a posting that does not exist.  I worry that this non-existent posting will take us to an unknown place that will be difficult for our family.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus -- Philippians 4:6-7

 

I am praying that I will move away from my will, and working on submitting to His.  This morning I laid out my fears, and will continue to do so, until I can really let them go. 

 

I want to look for the life He has for me today.  If He calls us to be here; I want to embrace the reason behind it.  If He calls us to be financially tight and use our resources to make a home where kids in need of love can find it; I want to embrace that opportunity.  If my career plan is simply a means to get me to a place where I trust Him completely; I want to embrace that security in Him and release the anxiety over my plan.

 

I am not there yet.  I can feel the fear creeping up from my stomach and wrapping its fingers around my lungs.  I begin to run through the well rehearsed laundry list - like a kid rubbing the corners of a well loved blanket.  My fears have been my companion, they have been a warped comfort blanket during those sleepless nights.  But my prayer is that I will let them go, and move into His peace.

 

By not praying my fears I have been holding them.  I need freedom from my fears, so the Peace of the Lord can take their place.  I need to release them, over and over again until they do not return.

 

 

 

My prayer is that He will help me to release my fears into His control.  My prayer is that His will be done in this home, that we would become a family that completely trusts in His provision, and makes our plans based on His desires.

 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

-- Ephesians 3:16-21



What Will Happen Tomorrow

James 4:13-15

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 

Colorado Springs.

September 21, 2013 saw us arrive in town full of confidence that we knew what we were doing.  We were going to be here for a year, we were going to fix the broken stores, we were going to get ready for my promotion, and we were going to get out of here.

We knew this would be a challenge, but we were confident that God was moving us here for a reason.  We had no idea how challenging the year would be though - probably a good thing since I don't know if we would have come had we known what was in store:

 

 - #1 Retail crime market in the United States

 - #1 Theft store in the #1 retail crime market in the United States

 - 3 dead cars

 - 1 set of Frozen Pipes

 - 1 Passive Aggressive HOA

 - Transferred from the #1 theft store to the NEW #1 theft store

 - 3 oral surgeries

 - 2 big cat sicknesses

 

These things were not part of the plan.  We were looking to go to Seattle, and the door opened here.  Our home sold in 4 hours.  We found a place to live in 6 hours.  Every crisis we encountered, every fleece we laid, was answered perfectly.  This was supposed to be easy because we were walking in faith.

 

I guess God didn't get the memo that it was supposed to be easy.

 

 

 

 

This year has been a lesson in faith, and reliance on His provision.  We have faced crisis after crisis where the solution came only from admitting that we had no answer.  We have struggled through doubt, frustration, anger, depression with wave after wave of issues.  Each time we begin to place a little bit of faith in our own strength we are humbled.  And through this frustration God has brought us into His peace.

 

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14

 

With all of the difficulties we've faced, I have no doubt that this is where God wants us to be for this season.  Had we been anywhere else; we would need to live as a two income family, and this year has been a blessing for Kate and the kids.  The external theft experience I am getting here is second to none (way to go Colorado Springs - You are #1!!).  I am in the number one customer / thief traffic store in Colorado, and am diving into mentoring and coaching while facing a huge pile of obstacles.  I was put into a store that was completely broken, and God was able to use my strengths to help heal and build a sustaining culture that will see that team succeed at some point in time.  None of these blessings would have happened anywhere else.

 

Last week I was at a low regarding work: the thieves are winning, my numbers are horrible, inventory is coming and it will not be pretty.  I began to worry that I committed career suicide by coming here.  My goal was to get some experience, fix some stores, and get promoted - but now the concern is this market will bury me and in so doing; strand us here.  Then I prayed.

 

I felt a peace and whisper come over me saying; "Child, I brought you here.  I opened this window, and I have you.  My purpose may not be yours, but I will not abandon you."  And that was it.  Peace. 

 

I don't know if we will get the promotion.  I don't know if the theft of Colorado Springs will stop my career aspirations in their tracks.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow.  But I do know that God made the way, He has us, He has us.  We are here for His purpose, and it may have nothing to do with our goals, but it is for our good.

 

 

 

 

 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. - Romans 15:13

 





Adventures in Parenting

Daddy, I'm freezing

Daddy, I'm hungry

I have to go poop

I'm tired

Help me

Get me

Give me

Give me

Give me

NOW!

 

 

Parenting.  It is not an easy job.  The hours are long, the customers are demanding, and there is always something that needs to be done.  There are times when I feel like pulling my hair out before I even have a chance to get out of bed.  But I love them - and I would not trade a single second of the time I get to spend with my two beautiful kids.  I provide for my kids (sometimes with an exaggerated eye roll), then go onto my adult day.  Sometimes this adult day begins with a prayer, that often looks something like this:

 

Father, I need money

Father, I need guidance

I'm tired

Help me

Get me

Give me

Give me

Give me

NOW!

Amen

 

 



 

 

I have to admit, my prayers are often very much like the cries from my children.  I usually close my eyes and give god my wish list.  I remind God of those things that I've already told him I want and have not yet received, add a few other items to the list, then when everything is out I say amen, and go back to my world of selfish ambition.  My prayer time is not about cultivating relationship with my Father, it is about getting what is mine and moving on.  It is about voicing my fears, my wishes, and (what I perceive to be) my needs.

 

God loves us exactly where we are, but he also desires that we learn and grow - just like I want my children to mature and develop from immaturity into maturity.  I love the phases my kids are in, but I celebrate each baby step toward adulthood.  I look forward to the day when we can sit at a table as equals, and have a real substantial conversation.  And, I think that's a tiny glimpse of God's desire for us - will we ever be equals?  No, but we do not have to be perpetually stuck in toddlerhood.

 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

    - 1 Corinthians 13:11

 

What does maturity in God look like?  I believe it is a picture of love.  When we move into maturity we are less concerned with ourselves, and more concerned with loving others.  We put our needs aside, and make others our priority.  We begin to be a reflection of the love that God offers us.  We accept people for who they are, and we love them without agenda - just like God loves us.

 

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails ...

   - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

I have been working on moving away from acting like a child.  That I would move away from focusing on my desires, and into true relationship with this Love that is mine.

 

My prayer is that each of us would have the courage to move deeper into relationship with him.  There is risk involved in this because love is not easy, but it is good.  My kids will have to take risks to grow up - they will have their hearts broken, and they will earn their scars, but these growing pains are just part of the maturing process.  In the same way the spiritual life will result in pains and hurts, but they are necessary for maturity.  People will always let us down, and the more we make ourselves available to them, the more we open ourselves up to their hurts.  But, if we focus only on ourselves we cannot love others, if we do not make ourselves vulnerable we can never show God's love because he made himself ultimately vulnerable through Jesus.  Jesus loved us perfectly.  Think about what this looked like ... chew on it and let his example soak in.  This is what we are called to do - to love the world with all of our hearts, minds, and souls.  We cannot do this when we think as toddlers, so we must be willing to go through the maturing process in order to truly enter into the fullness of life that He has for us.