Lost and Waiting

"Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.  That can't be right. I need a change, or something."
      - JRR Tolkein; The Fellowship of the Ring

Life can't be described in many other ways than difficult right now.  Any post that starts off with Bilbo Baggins telling Gandalf about the toll the Ring has had on him cannot be a good one.

Parenting is burying us. We cannot get a break, and we are at our whits end. This year has been harder than any other, and it feels like the only answer we get to prayer is "Wait" and/or "No".  I want to throw up my hands and walk away, and I know that my beautiful wife feels the same way.

This has been a very hard year on our marriage. We have had more arguments and difficult nights in the last 9 months than the total accumulated over the previous 8 years. We are tired, frustrated, and lost in a sea of kids and all of their self-centered demands.

The one relationship that is the most valuable, the most important, and the most precious is the one that takes the brunt of the storm.

I don't have any deep things to say today.  I am at a loss for words, and feel totally helpless.  So, my plan for tonight is to simply write out a prayer, and hope for a lifeline.

- - - - - - -

Father God, I need your help.

I am tired.  Tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of struggling against a wind that only seems to grow stronger each day.  My soul is discouraged, and my marriage battered.  I am a tattered man, Father.

I feel like David when he cried out:

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

What are you doing? What are we doing here? Why does the door continue to close in our face with only silence as an answer to prayers? Are we doing something wrong? What do you have for us that we can do so we can get out of here?

I don't know why you picked Kate and me to be parents to these kids. We are not qualified. We make so many mistakes, and do not have the patience to do this. Yet, here we are.  So, you have to be there behind it right?

I am clinging to the hope that you have not forgotten us. It sounds so foolish to admit, but it feels like you have abandoned us to fend for ourselves out here.

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! 

I pray for my wife. Father, I lift Kate to you. She takes the full force of the stresses, and has no where to turn. May I somehow be the husband that she needs me to be. You call me to love her like Jesus loved the church, and I fail daily in this regard. God, she is the most precious person to me on the face of this earth.  I love her as best as I can, and yet, I know that it is never going to be enough. Fill her with your love, Jesus. Whisper your peace to her heart each and every day.

I lay this marriage at your feet.  I release it to your care.  You alone are able to walk us through the storm, You alone are able to calm the waves and speak peace over the waters of our heart.  I lay it down Father, and beg you to hold us together.

Help us Father. Help us weather this current onslaught, and those unseen waves that are already headed our way. We are battered, exhausted, and vulnerable.  Please, lay a cover over us, and tend to our wounds.

May you be glorified in this home. May you be glorified in this family. May you be glorified in this marriage. May your Kingdom come, and will be done, as earth as it is in Heaven.

Amen

Waiting on Change

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
   -- Philippians 4:6-7

This is one of my prayer verses for 2016.  I didn't want it to be.  Last year's verse (Psalm 62:5-8) was also about waiting and trusting - this year's was supposed to be about acting; about getting up and running into action.

Nope.

Kate and I are ready for some action.  Our plan for Colorado has come to fruition, and we are ready to move on.  When we moved out here we thought 1-2 years, we'd have done what we came here to do, and it would be time to move on to the next adventure.  

September was 2 years - we are still here.

In my heart and in my mind I know that God doesn't work on our time lines.  He has his own plan, and it is absolutely perfect.  I know this, and I know this, and I know this, BUT, I still struggle against it.

God is not still in our lives. We have so much going on that it seems crazy to be pulling for change like I am. We will be adopting two amazing girls sometime in the next couple of months.  They have been with us for 9 months now, and we continue to have daily adventures in merging our family into one.  Grafting is not easy - it is often painful, but it is good.  This is part of God's plan - this is the most obvious part of His plan that we've been a part of; we are literally claiming these broken children as ours - just like God does with us. There is nothing that they have done to earn this spot; we proclaim belonging over them, we love and forgive them because we choose to.  If that is not a lesson I don't know what is.

And yet, even as we feel that we are so obviously in the heart of a plan that is eternally bigger than ours, we yearn for the next change.

Thus the verse on rest and trust.  This verse is amazing tonic for my heart:

- Don't worry about anything - instead pray about everything

Prayer has an amazing way of soothing and centering us.  When we pray we lay our burdens down; when we worry we carry them.  Worry takes up so much time and energy, and is completely self-centered.  "What will happen to me? What will I do?" It is exhausting.  God calls us to let go of the worry, and instead bring our burdens to Him.

- Tell God what you need,  
There are times when I do not want to pray all of my needs.  I want my prayers to sound holy, and have the right words, but that is not what God wants.  He wants us to come to him like his children; children do not filter their words.  They pour out their needs without concern for their image.  They trust their parents completely and know without a doubt that their expressed needs are a priority.  That is how we should approach God.

Does that mean that He will always answer our perceived needs with a "yes"?  Of course not.  But that does not mean that we should not continue to bring our needs to him.

- (A)nd thank him for all he has done.
This is a beautiful exercise.  If we stop at bringing Him our needs we leave the conversation one-sided.  When we take the time to reflect on all he has done for us our hearts begin to change. God's provision is amazing. That the creator of the universe would even deem us worthy of attention is mind-numbing; that he would declare us as heirs to his kingdom is beyond me.

It is in this thankfulness exercise that the final section of this verse comes to light:
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I have a feeling that things are going to shake loose this year.  I am expectantly waiting on it, but I am also allowing God to do it in his time.

Last year we had a huge door close on us.  We had an opportunity for a job that would have brought us back to Washington.  We were in the final two, we were just at our 2 year marker, we had the girls in the home and were ready to start the adoption process.  Everything in our plan was pointing perfectly at this. And the door closed.

It hurt.  It hurt more than I imagined it could hurt.  I felt so despondent.  I felt that God owed this one, and was angry with him when it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  Then, Kate sent me the below prayer from a blog she was reading:

"Lord, I repent of it all: the expectations that kill relationships, and the entitlement that steals all joy. Please, Lord, today, make me small and surprised by staggering grace. Make me remember that humility comes before happiness."

I keep this prayer in my lunch box, and visit it regularly.  I am trying to rest in his plan, and am repenting when I embrace the entitlement that steals joy.  God is working.  He is weaving a family together.  I have no doubt that he will eventually open the promotion door, but until he does, I will enjoy the opportunities he has for us here. There is something beautiful being made, and I have allowed myself to miss too much of it because I've been focused on my desires, and not on his craftsmanship.

Make me small and surprised by staggering grace Father.  Amen