-- Luke 11:9-10
Most of my posts have been epiphanies, but today starts at 100% struggle. I've been on the fence about posting this one, but I realized that the purpose of my blog is to speak to my entire walk, and part of any walk is the struggle - its not all downhill.
I don't know how to understand this verse. How does this verse mesh with the reality that we do not always get what we ask for? We can pray and pray for something and sometimes the answer is "No." Sometimes the answer is silence on the other side of the door.
How do that reality and this verse meet in a place that does not contradict?
I don't know the answer to that, and I'm hoping that my typing will bring me to a place where my heart is at least at rest in my uneasiness. It is easier for me to organize my thoughts this way, so my prayer is God uses this to bring my thoughts into order and soothe my frayed nerves.
So, here we go ....
God is not a magical wish granting genie; He is our Father. When my kids ask me for something that is unhealthy or dangerous I'm not going to give it to them no matter how often they ask. They may really want to eat marshmallows for dinner, but I know that they need nutrients, so that's what I'm going to give them. They may not like it, but it is what their bodies need to grow.
So, what exactly did Jesus mean when he said if we ask we will receive what we ask for? In that question lays my conundrum: I don't feel like what I'm asking Him for is the equivalent of a marshmallow dinner, but what I'm asking for seems to get further and further away. Instead of hoping for my request to be granted; I feel my heart lowering the expectations and resigning. Is that what is supposed to happen? I'm still hopeful and I'm still asking, but I'm preparing my heart for the door to remain closed. Instead of praying for my hope to be fulfilled, I'm praying more and more that my heart be okay with the possibility that the promotion will not come and that we will be Coloradans for a long time.
I know that God will provide - I do not doubt that. But I am not currently finding hope in the promise at the top of the post.
Lord, hear my prayer!
Listen to my plea!
Don't turn away from me
in my time of distress.
Bend down to listen,
and answer me quickly when I call to you.
For my days disappear like smoke,
and my bones burn like red-hot coals.
My heart is sick, withered like grass,
and I have lost my appetite.
Because of my groaning,
I am reduced to skin and bones.
I am like an owl in the desert,
like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.
I lie awake,
lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.
My enemies taunt me day after day.
They mock and curse me.
-- Psalm 102: 1-8
This is more in line with how I feel right now. The walk is uphill. The waves are crashing all around me, and the boat seems so very far away.
I feel like I should not have these struggles and doubts. I feel like I need to put my chin up, push this all down, adjust my expectations / hopes and be happy. I connect struggles with weakness, and my guess is this is not healthy. When my kids are afraid I do not tell them to suck it up - I comfort them, I hold them, I protect them, I let them know how much they are loved. Yet, in my heart I admonish myself for needing these things from my Father.
Maybe its not a matter of adjusting my hopes, but of running to my Father when I am afraid.
I do feel frustration with my current situation. The circumstances around us are not lining up with the plan. But I am confident that God has us in His hand. I have to remind myself that He answers in His own time, in his own way, according to His glory. And maybe that's where my prayer needs to rest.
Accept the way God does things,
for who can straighten what he has made crooked?
Enjoy prosperity while you can,
but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Remember that nothing is certain in this life.
-- Ecclesiasties 7:13-14
We are currently moving into becoming foster parents. We are taking the first steps toward opening our hearts and home to a child in need of safety. This is not the door I've been knocking on, but it has a promise of life. It has a promise of so much more life than anything I can create on my own.
The "plan" was always ours, but it was never promised by God. We have told God that we are His to use as He sees fit, but we always hang onto our plan. This walk is a continual exercise in letting go and trusting.
Immediately after the verse at the top Jesus went onto the one below:
"You fathers - if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him."
-- Luke 11:11-13
The Father will give us His Spirit. This answer is better than any of our wishes. This is the answer that will bring us to life regardless of our circumstances. I will have frustrations, and doors may not open when I knock, but He will always be there with me.
I still feel uneasy, I don't think that's a bad thing. God is okay with my fears and unease - He can handle it. In fact, I think there are times when we are supposed to be uneasy. If things were always good, we would be less inclined to seek the comfort of our Father. Good and bad times come from God, and it is for His glory that He sets our path.
Father, I trust in your provision. I ask for your Spirit to guide my steps. May my prosperity and struggles all be used to your glory.
I trust in you O my God.
No comments:
Post a Comment